Here With Me
by generationloki
Summary: THE MAIN FIC OF SERIES Tony hadn't seen Loki in ten years after their big breakup. Now, at Loki's brother's funeral, they meet again. But Loki has changed more than Tony could ever have imagined. And now Tony's life will change as well after something happens to Loki that would impact on them both deeply. Frostiron Modern AU. Contains feels and major character surgery. PART 2 OF ?
1. Chapter 1

Tony shoved his hands in his pockets and kept his head low, trying to detach himself from the crowd as much as possible.

He wasn't good with feelings.

Especially grief.

Thor Odinson had only been 28 years old when he had been in a car crash with his little brother and didn't survive the extensive injuries he sustained. He died next to his little brother and his best friend.

Tony felt awful when he got the news. He hadn't seen the pair in at least a decade since he broke up with the younger Odinson and moved to California. This would be the first time in ten years he would meet up with Loki Odinson and these were the worst circumstances to meet up with the love of your life, no matter how much you tried to convince yourself you didn't love him.

He didn't love him still... right?

But Tony wouldn't picture how Loki would look as a twenty-seven year old or trace Loki's face when he got drunk and decided to take out old photo books from the attic if he wasn't in love with him still.

Tony Stark knew that he had never gotten over Loki. When Howard, his father had decided that he was going to extend Stark Industries into California, both Tony and Loki had been devastated. They had been best friends since pre-school and had been through so much together. When Loki went back to England for the summer, they would write litters to each other every week. And when they had admitted their love for each other, they meant it one hundred percent.

That's why when Tony found out he was moving; they had both been inconsolable and had spent every lasting minute together, had waved each other off at the airport and had promised to keep a long distance relationship.

Tony slid down further in his seat and covered his face with his hand, groaning and pinching the bridge of his nose. That's when it all went wrong. 10 years ago, Odin, Thor and Loki's father, had had a heart attack while he was confessing Loki's adoption to the two boys. Odin had died in Loki's arms. Only a short while after, the boys' mother, Frigga, had died of grief. Loki had written an email to him explaining the situation and by the time Tony had received the email, he had already had had sex with ten girls from his new school.

And now, Thor... Tony huffed and looked back up to the front of the church from his second row seat next to the aisle. Loki was alone now. He had no close family. And because of Tony's fucked up teenage decisions, he didn't even have Tony by his side. They had broken up on bad terms immediately after he had admitted that he had cheated on Loki. They had not spoken to each other in years.

Tony had gotten the news through his assistant and ex-girlfriend Pepper when she had turned up in his garage with a sad, withdrawn look on her face. Tony had looked up, wiping the grease from his hands.

"What's up?" Oh, he had said that so casually.

"Tony," Pepper bit her lip. "There was a car crash in New York."

His heart thumped painfully and leapt into his throat when he remembered what and whom he had left behind in New York all those years ago. He tried to keep his voice equal and calm. "What happened? Who was involved?" Was it Loki?

Pepper shook her head. "It's- it was Thor and Loki."

Tony's mouth curved down and his heart throbbed. "Oh, god, are they...?" Is he...?

Pepper kneaded her eyes with the heel of her palm. "Thor died on the crash site, Tony. Loki's been admitted to the ICU after emergency surgery."

Tony shook his head. "Oh, god, Thor..." Tony could barely remember Thor, but he remembered his presence. He was always so strong and so bright, how could he be dead? He looked away, his eyes prickling with tears. "Is Loki going to be okay?"

Pepper looked at him, sadness etched into her expression. She knew that he didn't just mean if he was going to be okay physically. "The accident was a week ago, the funeral was organised by some aunts and uncles of the boys. I have the invitation." She held up an envelope, but Tony couldn't look at her in the face. "You should go- no, Tony, before you say anything, I already know that you have a hard time with emotions and all that crap, but this is Thor's funeral.

"Look, I realise that you and Thor weren't that close and all- hell, Thor was at a boarding school half the time you two were together, but Loki is going to need someone with him. And not just some stranger. You need to sort this out and help him through this."

Tony took a deep breath, screwing his eyes shut.

"You owe him this much," she murmured, quietly.

His head snapped up at that. He looked at her dead straight in the eyes. "I'll go."

That's how Tony found himself in a church in New York on a Tuesday, his knee bouncing up and down nervously and twisting his hands in his lap. How much had Loki changed? Had he forgotten about Tony? Was he happy? Was he ever happy? Tony remembered Loki's issues, words likedepression and anorexia floated around his mind space at the thought. He shook his head. He couldn't afford to think about the past right then.

That day was about Thor and helping Loki through it. Tony slumped in his seat and hit is head against the back of the bench. What was he doing? Loki wouldn't want him there. Not at his brother's funeral. Not after what Tony had done to him. He still clearly remembered Loki's screaming and sobbing— full of expletives and "I knew something like this would happen"'s.

Tony tried to pay attention during the service, but he couldn't concentrate. He was about to meet Loki again. Loki, the love of his life. At Thor'sfuneral. He still couldn't believe he was dead.

"Now, Thor's little brother Loki would like to say a few words to us about his brother," the young woman with long black hair and teary eyes up the front announced- wait, was that Sif? Wow, she grew up!

There was movement at the front of the church and a figure emerged from the back room. Tony immediately sat up straight and the whispers of the Odinson family resumed more frantically. Sif turned around and quickly walked over to the figure, putting an arm around their thin waist, encouraging them to put their weight on her to which the figure gratefully obliged, walking slowly and calculated up to the stage.

It was him.

Loki.

He walked up the stairs, right arm around Sif's shoulders, reciprocating her gesture in order to maintain balance. His head was held high, biting down softly on his red bottom lip. He wore a black suit and tie with a white button down, with his hair- which he had grown long- in a bun at the nape of his neck.

Sif carefully let her grip go of him and he nodded to her, giving a small smile. She returned to her seat at the front next to who couldn't be anyone else but Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun. When Loki turned around at the stand in the centre of the platform, Tony sucked in a breath at his beauty. He was even more handsome then he had imagined. He was all sharp angles and points and quite thin- but not as bad as when He had left. His bright green eyes scanned the room, piercing into the chests and faces of every guest. Tony felt weak at the knees when Loki locked eyes with him. Loki's mouth twitched, but what that indicated, he didn't know. Tony realised that the haunted look that was so familiar with the British man was gone, replaced by an odd kind of brightness.

His eyes trailed down his body and settled on a secure looking sling that his left arm fit snuggly into, a strap wrapping around his torso, pulling it tight across his body, ensuring that there was the arm was completely immobilised. Plaster-splinted fingers poked out from the edge of the sling, indicting broken bones and- by the look of how he was stiffly holding his arm- the plaster probably continued into a long arm cast. It looked painful, given the protective stance of his left side turned slightly away from the crowd and his constant wincing and touching of the arm.

But, despite his obvious severe injury, he looked better than Tony had ever seen him. No dark rings under his eyes. No weariness. No sadness hung about him like a dark cloud (which was strange given his brother- also his best friend, might I add- had just died in a car crash and by Loki's side at that).

Loki just looked- normal. Healthy. Dare He say it, even content?

Loki nodded once to the crowd, signalling the church's hum of whispers from mourners to quieten down.

"Good morning," he said, voice wobbling but still having that delicious British accent. Loki gave a watery smile. "Thank you all for coming for my brother. I'd just- I'd like to begin saying goodbye to my brother by telling you about who he was to me and what he has done for me."

He reached into his inside pocket of his jacket with his good hand and pulled out some cue cards. There was a rubber band binding them together and he started to struggle to take it off with one hand. Tony half rose out of his seat, wondering if he should help him.

Loki flicked the rubber band off successfully but the cards flew all over the ground. He chuckled a bit and flashed a smile toward the crowd, whom had lapsed into an awkward silence, all eyes on the struggling, and near-crying, injured man. Tony was now in an awkward half stance, about to help him clear up his cards. Loki bent down to pick them up when he gave a sharp yelp, his face screwing up in unbearable pain and fell forward, landing on his knees, his right arm to support his weight.

A gasp ran through the church and Tony quickly sprinted toward the front, abandoning his jacket on the seat, before anyone else could help Loki. He knelt down next to him, putting a hand in the middle of his back as Loki rocked back onto his heels, clutching his broken elbow and upper arm. Loki hissed deeply, his eyes still screwed shut. The scene was hidden from the crowd by the speech stand.

Tony put a hand to Loki's cheek and whispered into his ear, "Hey, I'm here, are you okay?" Loki nodded but then sucked in a harsh breath and let out a sob, tears starting to drip down his face. "Shh... What do you need? How can I help?" Tony asked like he always had done, silently praying for Loki to look up at him. Loki shook his head as if to clear the pain, his shoulders shaking harder and reached for the hand on his cheek, rubbing his knuckles with shaky, cold fingers.

"Just take me outside, please," Loki murmured, his pained face softening a little.

Tony nodded and put a tentative arm around Loki and helped him stand up. Geez, Loki has really grown. He's at least a head taller than me, automatically curled into Tony's chest, shielding his face from the others. Sif was looked scared for Loki, but as soon as she saw Tony, she looked livid. But instead of creating a scene, she beckoned them to the exit.

He made sure that Loki was securely on his hip before leading him outside, following Sif. He quickly grabbed his jacket on the way past. In the background he heard a man- probably Fandral- walk out to the stage and apologise for the disturbance.

Sif pushed open the doors and then they were outside in the warm air, the sun beaming down on them. She led them to a wooden bench where he coaxed Loki into sitting, prying his fingers off Tony's shirt. Loki's eyes fluttered open and he relaxed back into the seat, looking a lot better then he had a few minutes earlier.

"You okay, Lo'?" Sif asked, stepping forward and kneeling down in front of him, resting a hand on his knee. He nodded but didn't take his hand away from his arm.

"Yeah," he replied, his voice sounding strained. "I just needed some fresh air. It was a bit intense for me in there," he chuckled. Sif nodded, straightening up. She smoothed his hair back, kissing him on his crown. Loki smiled up at her before turning to Tony. Tony sucked in a breath of anticipation. "Thank you," Loki said sincerely to him. He felt relieved.

"I'm just glad you're okay," He said with a crooked smirk. Loki looked him in the face with the most loving expression that He almost forgot that they had broken up or had even been apart at all. Almost. He still remembered coming back to New York—

Sif spun around and glared daggers at Tony. "Tony!" She spat. "What are you doing here? You moved to California, you asshole!"

Before he could answer, Loki cleared his throat and said, "I invited him down here."

Sif looked between the two before settling on Loki again. "After he did that to you? Why?"

Loki shrugged one shoulder. "I needed... I missed him."

"He fucking cheated on you, Loki! He broke up with you via Internet after a 2-year relationship. And then after you told him to not come near you again, he still fucking flew down here and came to your birthday party!" Sif shouted at him, pointing at Tony. He winced and averted his eyes in reply.

Loki took a deep breath and shifted on the seat. "I know, Sif, can you please just—just go back inside. Please. I want to be alone with him."

Sif looked pissed, but she stalked back into the church, leaving Loki and Tony alone together for the first time in 10 years.


	2. Chapter 2

_"He fucking cheated on you, Loki! He broke up with you via Internet after a 2-year relationship. And then after you told him to not come near you again, he still fucking flew down here and came to your birthday party!" Sif shouted at him, pointing at Tony. He winced and averted his eyes in reply._

_Loki took a deep breath and shifted on the seat. "I know, Sif, can you please just—just go back inside. Please. I want to be alone with him."_

_Sif looked pissed, but she stalked back into the church, leaving Loki and Tony alone together for the first time in 10 years._

Then it was quiet; save the birds chirping and the quiet droning of cars driving past. Tony stood where he was, looking around the trees and admiring the coloured windows. Loki laughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. Tony's gaze flicked to Loki who was smiling and staring at Tony, fondly. He patted the section of the bench beside him and Tony hesitantly sat beside him, although a far bit away.

Tony was silent but he could feel Loki's gaze on him.

"Is it that bad to be in my presence, Tony?" Loki laughed, Tony's heart fluttering at the sound.

"Well, I—it's just..."

Loki sighed and pulled the hair tie from his raven tresses, which fell onto his shoulders in waves just below his collarbones. Tony shuddered as he thought about how much he wanted to run his fingers through it. Loki murmured, "Look, our relationship ended ten years ago... and that it's entirely—" _your fault_ "my fault..."

_Wait._

"What?" Tony blurted out.

Loki looked _guilty_. "I totally overreacted. If you wanted to break up, we had to break up, didn't we? I really wish I hadn't gone off at you like that at my birthday—I just... I wish that we hadn't lost all those years because—" He was cut off by Tony's lips pressing heavily against his own. Tony mentally cheered that Loki kissed him back and hadn't rejected his blatant show of affection. They broke apart for breath and touched foreheads.

"I wish I wasn't so stupid," Tony groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. "It was _my _fault. Not yours. Not yours at all. You were going through such a hard time and I—I screwed up. I got scared. And I wish we hadn't lost those years, either."

Loki fiddled with Tony's tie while the awkward silence stretched on. "Well..." he begun. "I'm not involved with anyone... how about you?"

Tony grinned. "I'm always taken. Taken by you."

Loki blushed deeply and cleared his throat. "You were always the one for flattery. So..." He looked through his thick, dark lashes up at Tony, shyly. "Would you like to... give it... another try?"

Tony's heart pounded and he let out a bellowing laugh. "Of course. Yes! I haven't been able to get over you, Loks. I'm so glad that you want me back..." He breathed heavily and then kissed Loki on the cheek. "Can you possibly forgive me for being the biggest jackass known to mankind?"

Loki nodded and grinned. "You _are_ the biggest jackass... and I do forgive you." He threw his good arm around Tony and buried his face into his neck, pepper kisses onto his tan skin. "Gods, I've just missed you so much, Tony. You have no idea. There hasn't been a day that's gone past that I haven't regretted acting the way I did."

Tony shushed him, smiling slightly. "Please, stop apologising. It's okay, I understand. I was the one acting like a total jerk."

They held each other close for a long time. Loki knuckled away forming tears. He laughed quietly, before standing up. "I'd better get back inside..."

"Oh, right," Tony mumbled, standing up as well. "Look, I'm really sorry for your loss... he really was a great guy."

Loki pursed his lips and nodded, before gasping a breath and looking like he was going to start crying again. "He was—he really was," he sobbed.

Tony's heart ached and he reached an arm out for him. He pulled back when he realised a hug probably wasn't a great comfort for a guy with a broken arm slung across his chest. Loki quickly dismissed this unsureness when he quickly walked over and hugged him close, his body shuddered again Tony's with grief. Tony wrapped his arms around his ex—but also technically his new—boyfriend and held him softly. Even though he was being as careful as he could while handling Loki, he was still rewarded with a hiss of pain and Loki pulling out of his grasp, fingering his broken arm.

"God, are you okay? I didn't hug you too hard did I-?"

"No, no, don't worry," Loki muttered through gritted teeth. "It was my fault, I shouldn't be so careless. My arm's just been hurting a lot these past few days."

"Have you tried—?"

"Painkillers? Yeah, but I don't want to start relying on them."

Tony gently guided him back to the bench to sit down. "Okay, let me take a look at it... I know my stuff, lab accidents and mishaps."

Loki used his right hand to slip the his jacket off of his shoulder, which was just hanging over the sling instead of being properly on him. It was revealed that instead of a long-sleeve button-down, his just had a short-sleeve one underneath. That was probably easier for him to dress himself in without worrying about cufflinks and whatnot in his state. He then proceeded to undo some of the top few buttons, revealing a pale chest, with one hand, taking a while to do so. When the arm was revealed, Tony's assumptions had been right. There was a bulky, long-arm white plaster cast, stopping just below his armpit, but he also had a bandage around his shoulder, the skin poking through looking irritated.

"May I?" Tony asked, reaching for the bandage. Loki nodded his consent.

He grabbed hold of one end of the bandage and peeled it off Loki's skin, peering underneath. His shoulder was swollen and flaming red, the sutures in his skin looking very, _very_ angry.

"Youch, Lokes," Tony muttered. Loki nodded in agreement and looked at Tony for an explanation. "Er—it's probably just healing weirdly, that's all."

Loki sighed. "Yeah, I guess so... hey, Tony?"

"Mmm?"

"Could you do me a favour?"

Tony helped Loki back into his shirt and jacket after pinning the bandage back into place. "Sure, anything."

"I don't think I can go back in there, after... you know," he said, looking at his lap guiltily. "I was wondering if I could get a lift with you back home? It would mean a lot to me, I hate catching taxis and I, well, can't exactly drive."

Tony grinned and nodded. "Yup, no worries. My car is just around the corner. You mind if we walk for a little bit?"

"Not at all." Loki lifted a hand in a silent question for help to stand up. Tony obliged without complaint. As soon as they started off, Loki thanked him for the help up. "My balance has been completely shot since the accident. I have to ask for help for everything. It's so awful. And embarrassing; the falling down in the church wasn't the first time that happened. I just hate having to need help instead of just being able."

"I know what you mean," Tony agreed, unconsciously rubbing a hand in a circular motion upon his chest. _I know what you mean._

Loki laughed—he seemed to be doing that a lot lately. It used to just be cutting sarcastic laughs, made to hurt the receiver. Or sad, fake laughter that never reached it eyes. But now his eyes sparkled like emerald jewels. "You know Sif's been offering to stay with me until I'm healed?"

"Are you being serious, right now?" Tony asked in disbelief.

"Truly! It's very strange to have her be so nice to me; do you remember how much she hated me in school?"

"Aw, man. She absolutely hated your guts. That one time where you cut off her hair when we were—what—eight years old?"

"Gods, yes. I remember that crystal-clear. I had that black eye for weeks."

They both chuckled heartily, the laughter eventually fading into an awkward quiet. Tony looked over at the dark-haired man. Loki had once again started holding his arm, looking both anxious and thoughtful.

"Hey," Loki looked up. "You alright, there?"

He huffed a breath. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just thinking."

"It looks painful."

Loki burst out laughing, "It is quite painful as far as thoughts go, but not as bad as this godforsaken arm, let me tell you now. All the bones in this arm," he ran a thin, elegant finger up and down his sling lightly. "Shattered. Nearly completely crushed. I'd be surprised if it heals properly. The ambulance got there just in time apparently, thank the good lord. It was caught between the car and the ground when the car turned over. Thankfully, they could save it. But at a price—plaster bloody everywhere, I can't even move properly. It's so damn horrible."

"Ah, Loks, that sucks. But at least you still have your thumb free, right?"

"Yes, I suppose you're right, " Loki chuckled, wiggling his thumb stiffly.

Before they could lapse into silence again, Tony kept the conversation rolling, "So what's the extent of the damage?" Loki instantly went quiet and thoughtful again. "If—if you don't mind me asking that is."

"No, no, it's fine. Hmm... well, bruised ribs, mild concussion... lacerations, bruising, near-fractures... sprained ankle... I think that's it. It was a bit hard to concentrate on what people were saying through the drugs."

Tony grinned. "You look hella' fine for someone supposedly being as bruised as a peach," he replied, winking.

"Yeah, well, I've gotten a lot better since we last saw each other," Loki said with a shy, wistful smile.

"I've seen," the shorter man remarked, slowing his pace down in order to fully look at Loki. "It's good. _Really_ good, in fact. What changed?"

"Everything," came the immediate reply.

They had reached the car by that point.

"You sure you don't wanna stay? You know... to... to say goodbye?"

Loki looked back at the church for a long time. "No... I think I've said my farewell."

The drive to Loki's house was one in comfortable silence, save Loki's quiet directions to the way home.

Tony parked the car out the front of a cute, well-kept townhouse.

"Well, thank you for the drive home," Loki said. "And thank you for coming to the—to the funeral. It means the world to me. I was afraid that you wouldn't... wouldn't turn up." He looked down at his lap and whispered, "And that I'd be alone."

"Hey, look at me for a sec."

Loki looked up and Tony slid his hands behind Loki's ears, holding his head in place and kissing him passionately and deeply. After an initial shocked reaction, Loki softened his posture and delved into the kiss, swiping his tongue tenderly across Tony's. Loki tasted of mint and ice (if that was even possible?). They broke apart after a while, breathing deeply.

"If you need me there, I'll be there, Loki," Tony affirmed. "Whether you ask for me or not—if you ever need me, I will be here for you. I'll never leave again."

Loki hummed, eyes closed and a satisfied expression painted on his face. He unlocked his seatbelt and opened the door. "I'd better be off..."

"Wait—wait, er—wouldyouliketogoonadatewithme?" Tony said in a rush.

"Pardon? I didn't catch that."

"I said... er," Tony shallowly coughed. "Will you go on a date with me? I mean... we said we'd give it another go and a date seems to be a good place to start. Unless you've changed your mind..."

"No! No, no, no, no, I'd love to! Would you like to get lunch or-? Here, I'll give you my phone number," Loki sounded almost as nervous as Tony was. After all, it had been 10 years. Loki pulled out a pen from his pocket—_why would he have a pen?_—and reached for Tony's hand. As soon as their skin made contact, Tony's skin prickled and he felt his stomach flip. Loki's skin was soft, but had a rough quality to it, and was _very_ warm. Loki used his mouth to pull off the pen lid, which Tony relieved him off.

He muttered a thanks as he concentrated on writing his number down on Tony's palm, which Tony had rested on the dashboard to keep it as still as possible to make it easier for the one-able-handed man to write his number upon. "There you go." Tony helped Loki cap the pen when he finally succeeded in writing the number.

"You know, I could have just put it straight into my Starkphone," Tony smirked, close to laughing.

The other man looked horrified. "And you didn't think to tell me earlier? Geez, Tony! You know how hopeless I am when it comes to technology."

Tony shrugged and then Loki hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, before drawing away and getting out of the car. He ducked in order for Tony to see his face. "You—_text me_. Okay? I'll be hanging out for your message. It's boring home alone, and we need to catch up!"

Tony nodded vigorously. "Yeah, great. I'll either text or call you. See ya soon, Loks."

"Bye," Loki called, waving, as he walked toward his house, pulling out his house keys from his pocket and unlocking the door. As soon as he was safely inside, Tony quickly entered the number scrawled on his hand into his phone and texted to it.

A few moments later, he got the reply; _Wow, that was fast! :P Okay; lunch at 11:30 this Friday?_

Tony smiled and typed, _Sounds great, see you then. Xx_. He clicked send before he had even realised he had added kisses to the end. He swore loudly and bit his knuckle in anticipation for the reply.

After moments of tense waiting, his phone vibrated. _Can't wait. Xoxo. _Tony's heart fluttered and he sighed of relief. He paused and then made one last text to Loki's phone for the day.

He waited again, then his phone vibrated. _I missed you too xx._

Tony wolfishly grinned and shut his phone off, pulling away from the curb. He didn't stop smiling until he went to sleep in his hotel bed that night.

Even then he dreamt of Loki's hand in his.

**Author's note: I realise that Loki's actions are a bit off (ie. getting together with his ex-boyfriend at his brother's funeral, and getting into a car after a pretty bad car accident) but it will all be explained in chapter 4.**

**I'm going to start writing the next chapter tomorrow afternoon.**

**Next time, we see something big happen. And it's not good.**

**Please review! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Whoa, this is a long one! Hold onto your hats.**

By the time Monday rolled around (Loki had rescheduled for an unknown reason), Tony had been worrying for days, the happiness from seeing Loki again wearing off.

It had been 10 years, what if Loki changed his mind during the date? What if he decided that he was right to break it off with him? So many paranoid questions ran through Tony's head as he sat around his apartment, the only entertainment he had being the satellite television and texting Loki. He tried to get out every once in a while between the boring business meetings. He walked around Central Park and had coffee and generally wondered around the streets, but it wasn't fun sight-seeing alone.

Because of the severity of his injury, Loki was allowed time off work, so mostly he sat at home texting Tony all day, except when he had his frequent (usually twice or three times a day) doctor's appointments that had prevented him from going for walks with Tony due to their frequency.

They didn't speak much about themselves during their short conversations; Loki even refused to tell Tony what he did for a living, excusing himself by saying, "we have to save some material for Monday". That was true; Tony agreed with him. But it made him all the more anxious for the date.

So there Tony was, standing in the middle of his hotel room's spacious lounge-room with five different outfits laid out on the couch, holding a tablet with Pepper's face on it above them. He stretched on his tiptoes and scanned the tablet up and down the line of clothes.

"Whoa, whoa, slow down, Tony," Pepper commanded. "I need to be able to see each clearly. Place the tablet over each of the outfits, one at a time." He groaned and did as instructed. Once done, he spun the tablet around so she could see his face.

"I don't know what to do! There's so many; and I've never been to the restaurant you reserved a booking for us in, Pep. What kind of clothes do I wear? Oh god, what is he going to wear? He always looks so sexy in whatever he's in. I don't know what I'm going to do—"

"_Tony_," Pepper groaned. "Breathe for me."

He took a deep breath in and out. "I'm—I'm okay now, I think. Yeah. Look, all I'm saying is; I haven't been on a date with a guy for ten years, Loki has been the only man I've ever lov—dated. I mean, I can charm a girl easily, sure. I can charm two of them at once, but Loki... he's something different. And he's a guy. And while he's this vulnerable... I don't know."

Pepper laughed. "Listen to yourself all flustered."

Tony scowled at the camera and sat down in an armchair opposite the outfits. "Of course, I'm flustered!"

"Don't shout at me," Pepper exclaimed. "Do you want my help or not?"

Tony huffed, "Yes."

She smiled at him. He quickly realised that it was 5am in the morning in California and she was still in her pyjamas, sitting with her legs crossed on her bed, her tablet presumably propped up in front of her.

"Oh, geez, Pep, I'm sorry for waking you up so early," he apologised.

She laughed. "That's totally fine. I'd voluntarily wake up early any day Tony Stark is acting like a fifteen-tear-old girl before her first date." Tony scowled, not amused by her ribbing. "I'm just joking! Now, if you want my help with the outfits, go with the navy blue if you want to look the least bit nice. Not like if you were wearing one of your horrible t-shirts."

"Hey! They're vintage."

Pepper drew her eyebrows together. "Uh-huh... if you want advice on the date—which I know is the real answer you called. What do you take me for? I know that you don't care what you look like—no, don't give me that face— if this is about dating advice, I will help you."

Tony sighed and ran a hand through his freshly washed hair. "You're a life saver—"

"But I want to hear you say it."

"Huh? Say what?"

"'Pepper, I need your help'."

"_What_?" He growled. "No way, José."

"Fine, goodbye." Pepper proceeded to reach toward the screen but Tony shouted.

"No, wait—I'll say it. You've twisted my arm. Pepper, darling, sweetie, I need your help."

She looked at him with her eyes bulging and her mouth wide open. "Wow! I didn't expect for you to say that. Well done, Tony."

Tony huffed and rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, I said it. Now just be serious or otherwise I'll get Rhodey to help me!"

"It could have been done without the sarcasm, but, you know, it's you." Pepper massaged her forehead with her hands. "Okay, I'm serious. Now, what would you like to know?"

"It's—it's not so much the dating and flirting thing about the whole thing. I've done it a million times before—I wonder how dates I've been on actually, probably not too many. More like a pick-the-girls-up-at-a-party deal.

"But this is _Loki_. Loki, my _first_ and probably will be _only_ boyfriend. Loki, the guy who's a 'giant asshole' turned 'really sad and depressed teen' now turned 'man who's had such a shit life I don't even know how it's possible for him to continue functioning but he's full of sunshine and rainbows anyway which is so contradictive to his old personality, I feel like I have to get to know him again'—"

"_Tony_," Pepper said, firmly. "You need to calm down. Please, breathe for me."

He instantly relaxed, his shoulders relieved from the tension building up. Tony closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. "Okay, I'm good now. Just got a bit—just got a bit worked up. But, really. I don't know what to do."

Pepper smiled softly. "You broke up ten years ago and he's changed. That's normal. He's a guy who's been through a lot of crap that's changed him radically. That's normal too. Just got out there, be yourself, and get to know your future husband, okay?"

Tony grinned at the word 'husband'. "Yeah... thanks, Pep. I have to go, keep the company afloat, okay?"

She gave him a little salute and then she was gone. Tony put down his tablet and lifted up the navy blue suit from the couch, mentally approving Pepper's advice regarding what to wear. He smiled, imagining what she'd say if she knew he was going to pair the expensive, suave suit with a pair of hi-top sneakers.

* * *

Two and a half hours later, Tony was sitting inside the restaurant at the assigned table. He twisted the edge of the tablecloth in his hands and tapped his foot against the polished floor. He checked his watch for the hundredth time, noting his earliness, and looked around the restaurant. It was a semi-formal place, somewhere where there wouldn't be kids running around but somewhere where there wouldn't be high-class New Yorkers dining either. It was good. But it was even better because Pepper had specifically requested and secured a table in the corner of the restaurant where it was more secluded and Tony didn't have to worry about people watching them. Especially the media that, by some great bout of luck, had not found Tony in New York just yet. Apparently they thought he was holidaying with his parents in Washington.

What a joke.

A quiet clearing of the throat made Tony look up, his darker thoughts vanishing before they could appear.

"I hope I'm not interrupting an internal monologue, am I?" Loki asked in his smooth, British-accented voice. He smiled crookedly.

"No—nah, I was just thinking about... some stuff... you look... wow."

Tony looked Loki up and down. His hair was loose and combed out of his face, reminiscent of his old hairstyle in high school. He wore a light grey suit jacket, with a black tie and a white shirt, completed with black slacks that were tailored perfectly to emphasise and complement his lean and tall figure. The monochrome of his outfit made his blue-grey eyes stand out against pale skin. The broken arm was still donned up in its sling and cast; its swathe wrapped tightly around his waist beneath the jacket, which once again, hung over his left shoulder instead of being properly worn. He looked stunning despite his arm. Tony gave a low-whistle of approval.

Loki chuckled and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. "Thanks, you're not too bad yourself."

Tony returned the smile. "Only the best for you, babe." He bit his lip as soon as the endearment leaped out of his throat. To his relief, Loki just smiled wider and spots of red appeared on his cheeks. Tony jumped out of his set and pulled out the one opposite him.

"Would you like a seat?"

"Thank you," Loki said, sitting down gracefully. Tony pushed in the seat for him and sat himself down.

Loki sighed. "So... why don't we get to know each other, a little bit?" He grinned and extended his hand. "Hello, I'm Loki Odinson, you must be Tony Stark."

Tony looked confused. "Huh?"

Loki chuckled. "I'm trying to play the part of a blind date. We haven't seen each other in 10 years, Tone. We need to try and get comfortable with each other again."

He nodded in understanding and accepted Loki's offer of the hand. "Yeah, hi, I'm Tony. So, Loki, what do you do for a living?"

Loki hummed. "Well, I'm a teacher of history, English and literature at a high school here in New York. I've been teaching for the past 2 or so years and so far, apart from the odd wanker of a student here and there, I'm enjoying it. But really, my passion lies within books and the written word, I hope to get a book published some day, actually."

"I remember you saying that you wanted to be an author!" Tony said, happily.

Loki nodded. "I've actually had some poems and short stories published in magazines a few times. To be honest, I just submitted a book to a publisher a few weeks back, so if they like it I could get a letter back any day now."

"That's amazing, Loki! I hope that you get published."

"Thank you," Loki replied. "Oh, and I was going to say; remember the library we used to go to, in high school?"

"Oh, yeah, we have some memories there."

"It's still here! I thought it would have been knocked down years ago, but one of my students told me about it. I go there every Monday now; like a tradition. You should come with me sometime. How long are you planning to stay in New York?"

Tony shrugged. "I'm not actually sure. Pepper's set up a few meetings for me for the next couple weeks, so it could even be a month or two."

Loki raised his eyebrows. "That gives us lots of time then..." He petted the other man's arm, dragging his fingers up and down the navy blue material.

Tony smiled. "Yeah, lots of time." They stared into each other's eyes for a moment before Loki broke eye contact to look at the table. Tony picked up a menu and started looking at the list of food. "Hmm... I'm starving. I could eat a horse..." He paused to wink at Loki, whom rolled his eyes at the old joke.

"It's just my namesake, Tony," Loki complained. "I'm even _allergic _to horses. I couldn't be within six feet, let alone give birth, to one."

The shorter laughed heartily and continued browsing. He looked up again to see Loki glancing around the restaurant, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. The bearded man cleared his throat and Loki nearly jumped out of his skin. "What're you getting? I'll probably have the omelette."

Loki looked apologetic, pushing away his menu. "Sorry, I don't think I'll order anything. I don't feel too well."

Tony was about to ask what was wrong but the waiter came around with a blindingly white smile. "Good morning, guys, what can I get you today? We've got the lamb on special—"

"The cheese and mushroom omelette for me, thank you," Tony quickly ordered over the top of him before he began ranting. The waiter picked up Tony's menu, looking slightly put out, and tucked it under his arm, scribbling on his notepad.

"And for you, sir?" He looked expectantly at Loki.

Loki looked up at him with owlish eyes. "Oh, nothing for me, thank you. Maybe just a glass of water? Or a jug of it? Room temperature, not cold."

The waiter looked confused but nodded and left them alone.

"You really don't look very good. Are you up to the rest of the date?" Tony asked Loki, who was looking more nervous and anxious by the minute, the colour draining from his face. Loki nodded stiffly. "If you're sure..."

"Anyway," Loki huffed. "You still haven't told me about what you do for a living."

Tony scoffed and leaned back in his chair. "As if you don't know. My face is plastered all over the papers and daytime television daily. It's impossible to not know who I am."

"Oh, aren't you modest," Loki said, smirking. "I only know a little about you, to be completely honest. I'm not that great at keeping up with celebrity gossip. But, seriously, just pretend that I have no idea who you are, like a real blind date. What do you do for a living?"

Tony became aware of the fact the he had never experienced someone not knowing who he was in his adult life. He immediately decided that he liked this game. "Ahh, where do I start? I guess, I own a successful weapons manufacturing company called Stark Industries. It's a good gig, pays well. I don't have to worry about the limit on my credit card or anything and it's gotten me a few houses, some sports cars.

"I got the company about 9 years ago. My father, Howard Stark, left it to me as soon as I turned 18, took his wife, my stepmother, and moved to Washington. Left me to deal with all his shit. The bastard was probably just waiting for me to be legally an adult before leaving," Tony said smoothly, not letting his façade slip. Not letting Loki know the truth about what happened.

"I didn't know what to do with it first, but then my assistant, Pepper, came along and she really helped out. We shaped the company into what it is today. But, you know, even though it all turned out okay, I never wanted this, and Howard knew it. I don't want to be the reason of many people's deaths. I wanna—I want to change the world. I want to help, not destroy. You know, use my knowledge for good."

Tony shook himself out of his rant to look down at his hand, realising that Loki had reached across the table to grasp it tightly, looking at him sympathetically.

"You can still do that," Loki murmured, rubbing Tony's hand with his thumb. "Change the world. We're only in our twenties, we've got our whole lives ahead of us." Tony sighed and then the black-haired man leaned in, shuffling his chair closer. They touched noses, nuzzling lightly before locking lips.

An awkward, "oh!" of surprise made them jump apart. The waiter stood next to the table, averting his eyes. He set down the omelette and the jug of water in front of their faces and quickly excused himself. The two men looked at each other for a brief moment before giggling madly. Tony watched Loki gasp for breath.

Tony wondered what could have possibly changed Loki so much, that he had turned into such a positive, warm, bright young man.

Loki grasped his side, groaning, but still laughed. "I'm still too sore," he said between cackles. "Urgh, my ribs!" But still, he laughed. Tony smiled fondly at him.

Finally, the two men calmed down enough to actually ingest something; Tony having his omelette and Loki sipping his water. After they each had their fill, they continued talking about their lives. Soon, Loki looked at his watch and almost spilt his water as he leapt up from the table.

"Holy shit, I'm really late! I have to get to the hospital! I'm sorry, Tony, but I have to go get a taxi right now," Loki exclaimed in a rush. He reached under the table and pulled out a medium-sized black travel bag on wheels, which Tony hadn't noticed before.

Tony stood up just as abruptly as Loki had. "Hey, calm down. Don't worry about getting a cab, I'll drive you." Loki looked shocked. "Seriously, my car's just outside. Let me give you a lift."

Loki looked ready to collapse but Tony couldn't tell whether it was from relief or from fright. It could have been either one, but it still didn't change the fact that Loki was thanking Tony repeatedly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you."

Tony chuckled, "No problem. Come on, it's just out the front." After he threw a wad of money on the table—enough to comfort the mortified waiter—he put a hand on Loki's lower back and gently lead him out the door, Loki dragging the wheeled bag behind him.

Then they were out on the street and Tony steered his date toward the sleek silver Audi out the front of the restaurant. Loki gaped at the car, looked at Tony, and then looked back at the car.

"Nice ride," he stammered and Tony beamed. They got into the car, Tony taking Loki's bag and helping him into the car like a perfect gentlemen, and merged into traffic. The hospital was only about a fifteen-minute drive, but Tony still saw Loki getting more agitated as the drive went on. He constantly looked around and fingered his sling, adjusting it to sit comfortably on his chest multiple times. Loki started stroking his broken arm from shoulder to the tip of his fingers like one might do to a cat. And that's when Tony realised—

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Being in a car might get you a bit worked up, huh? We can walk; it's not that far to go. Do you want to get out or-?"

"I'll be okay, Tony," Loki reassured him, but not looking at him in the eye. "I've been in cars for twenty-seven years, I can handle a fifteen minute drive. I'm just nervous about the appointment, that's all."

"You—you're not at all, you know, anxious about being in a car after, you know..."

Loki sighed and leant back in his seat, resting his head against the headrest and once again adjusted his arm to continue stroking. "A little, yeah. But I'm going to have to get used to it anyway, may as well start now. I think it's just the amount of traffic; I was fine when you drove me home the other day."

Tony nodded but then his mind backtracked to what Loki had said before. "Why are you nervous about the appointment? I thought this was just a check-up."

"Ah, well, it's more... treatment, I guess. Either way, my doctor said that I needed to pack clothes," he replied, quietly, jerking his head toward his suitcase in the back.

They reached the hospital quicker than expected and Loki sprung out of the car, ripping his travel case out with him, an impressive feat for a man with multiple near-fractures and only one functional arm.

"Thank you so much again, Tony," Loki said, flustered as he peered into the car. "That was very generous of you to drive me. I understand that it was out of your way. And I'm sorry for cutting lunch short."

Tony waved a hand. "It's fine, I only ask for two things in return."

"And what would they be, Mr Stark?"

"Eww, don't call me that. That's Howard, not me. Anyway; first would be that I get another amazing kiss from you," Tony leaned out of the car and connected his lips with Loki's, giving him a light kiss that made his mouth tingle. When he drew back, Loki was blushing deeply and trying to contain his feral grin. "Second, since our date got cut short, I'd like to reschedule for Thursday."

Loki nods enthusiastically. "Yes, that'd be great. And I promise I'll eat with you this time."

"You'd better."

They kissed again, mostly lips brushing against lips and cheeks rather than full-blown making out. Loki nuzzled into the crook of Tony's neck before pulling away.

"I'd better be off," he explained. "I have my phone with me, though. So text me, I'll be finished with my appointment in less than two hours. So, at two o'clock, make sure you text me, alright?"

"Sure. Do you want me to walk you in?"

The taller man shook his head and thanked Tony for his consideration. Loki smiled and proceeded to make his way to the hospital entrance, glancing behind him often to find Tony watching him carefully, a smile playing on his lips. A nurse appeared out the front to meet with Loki and took his bag. They chatted for a while before Loki gave one last wave to Tony and they disappeared inside.

* * *

At two pm, as promised, Tony texted Loki.

At three-thirty-five pm, Tony texted him again.

At four-twelve, he decided to send him a text just to see if he was okay.

At twenty to six, Tony texted Loki a threat to call him up if he didn't reply.

At six-twenty-eight, Tony called him.

By eight-forty, Loki would have received notifications for nineteen missed calls and twenty-seven texts from Tony.

At nine o'clock, Tony got a phone call from an unknown number.

"Hello, Loki?" Tony almost shouted into the receiver, his hands shaking, barely able to keep his grip on the phone.

A nasal, feminine, annoyingly calm voice answered his frantic one. "Is this Tony Stark? I'm calling from the Saint Anne's Hospital regarding the patient Loki Odinson."

Tony instantly started to feel sick. "Yes, this is Tony Stark. Why're you calling instead of Loki? What's happened?"

"Please, calm yourself sir," the woman on the other end of the line said, as if it were a scripted line (it probably was). "The patient has written your name down in his form as a contact due to lack of close relatives. The surgery on Mr Odinson finished up a couple of hours ago. We need you to come down here as soon as possible and start discussing his post-surgery recovery plan with his team of doctors. Now, everything has already been decided between the patient and doctors—"

"_Surgery?" _Tony shouted at the phone. "What surgery? What's going on?"

There was a pregnant pause and he heard rustling paper and the tapping of a keyboard. His heart was beating dangerously fast and he began to feel a little weak at the knees. Finally, the woman came back.

"Yes, the shoulder-disarticulation operation that Mr Odinson had set up on the Wednesday of last week finished about five hours ago. Can you please set up an appointment with me for the meeting with the doctors, now?" She began to sound irritated toward the end but Tony couldn't care less.

"Shoulder-disar-what-now? What's that? Please, can you just tell me what's going on?"

The woman sighed on the other end and Tony mentally pictured her rubbing her rolling her eyes. "A shoulder-disarticulation is an amputation of the arm from the shoulder. Mr Odinson just underwent the surgery for one. Sir, can we please make the appointment? My shift is almost over and I'd very much like to go home some time tonight."

Tony had to take a seat in his armchair to keep from falling. He tried to keep his breathing regular.

_Amputation_.

_Loki just had his arm amputated._

_Oh my god._

Tony calmed himself down enough to say, "I'm coming down there right now, I'll make the appointment, but only after I've seen my friend." He didn't wait for the reply, he just hung up, stuffed the phone in his pocket, got his keys and wallet and ran out of the room, the door slamming shut behind him so hard that the picture frames shook.

* * *

The drive to the hospital was one of the most distressing things Tony had ever been through. He yelled at the traffic and honked his car horn about eighty percent of the time he was driving. When he made it to the hospital, he secured a parking space and sprinted for the desk, asking for the room number of Loki Odinson. The receptionist with a familiar voice directed him to the post-anaesthesia recovery room, which Tony ran to instantly. Once he had made it into the corridor and the recovery room was in sight, he nearly bowled over a doctor coming out of the same room.

"Oh, geez, I'm sorry, man," he said in a rush, patting down the doctor's scrubs and adjusting his glasses which caused the other man to splutter. "I have to go, I'm sorry."

As Tony turned to rush into the room, he heard a familiar voice call, "Tony?" He spun to see that the doctor he had nearly squashed was none other than Bruce Banner himself, Tony's closest friend from his high school in California.

"Brucey?" Tony said, exasperatedly. "That you?"

"Hey!" Bruce smiled widely and the two men met in a hug. "How've you been?"

Tony nodded, still trying to catch his breath. "Yeah, good, good. And yourself?"

"Not too bad, Betty—"

"Sorry, Bruce. I can't talk right now. But I really have to go, my friend Loki's in there, and I have to see him."

"Oh, Mr Odinson?"

Tony's mouth dropped open. "Yeah, that's him. Were you...?"

"I was his surgeon during the operation, yes. I can walk you through if you want? He mentioned beforehand that no one knew he was here. I'm guessing you got a call from Ms Hill, the receptionist?" Tony nodded. "Well, this can count as your meeting with Loki's doctors if you'd like. We just needed someone close to him informed of his whereabouts."

Bruce guided Tony through the doors of the recovery room and they began the long walk past the beds of patients.

"I don't want to say too much due to doctor-patient confidentiality. But I will say that there were no complications with the surgery to his left arm despite the circumstances, and Loki will be just fine. He'll probably have to stay here for about two weeks, in his own private room, mind you, because of his risk of infection. Since the surgery was a result of infection and therefore the arm staying would be a danger to his life, there's a higher chance he could contract an infection, even though the original one was minor.

"There's also his history of weight deficiency; we'd like to monitor and help him maintain a healthy weight, especially as such a major operation as this can skew someone's self image so easily. The rehabilitation centre he'll be moved to after the wound has healed somewhat will cover all psychological needs."

They reached the bed at the end and Tony had to pull up a chair to keep himself from dropping to the floor. Loki was so _pale_. His skin nearly blended into the sheets that were tucked around him. He wore one of those flimsy, papery hospital gowns. So many wires connected up to him; there was an ECG attached to his chest, and an IV in his right hand. His perfect face was almost completely covered by a clear oxygen mask, which was fogging up with Loki's regular breaths as he slept deeply and peacefully. Tony took his right hand with both of his own and rubbed it, carefully not to disturb the IV port.

Tony felt tears begin to sting his eyes as he finally was able to bring himself to look at Loki's stump. The hospital gown was open at his left side to expose the residual limb. There wasn't even a stump; it was just ribs and then collarbone. No evidence that an arm was meant to be there apart from the fact that _an arm was meant to be there_. Bandages were wrapped thickly around his shoulder and a small tube that connected to another drip at the side of the bed was poking into the soft dressing.

Tony felt Bruce's presence leave his side.

Tony felt hollow.

Loki Odinson was lying in front of him, vulnerable in a hospital bed, with only one arm. It was unbelievable. It was scary.

Before Tony lost control completely, he took a deep breath and looked up toward the ceiling. He would be able to deal with this. He would not leave Loki again. He left before when it got too hard, but he.

Would.

Not.

Leave.

Ever.

Again.

It was a huge thing to promise himself, Tony knew that. But he needed to be there for Loki. The poor guy had just lost his brother not even a month ago, despite how well he seemed to be coping. And now he had lost his arm to the accident that had taken his big brother.

Tony rested his head on the hospital bed and closed his eyes, allowing tears to leak out at last. He cursed himself for crying. Tony needed to be strong for Loki. He didn't let go of Loki's hand. It was the only thing keeping him stable. Soon, his eyes started to close due to the emotional exhaustion.

Tony Stark fell asleep on that Monday night, hours and hours earlier then he'd usually fall asleep, next to a very pale, one-armed Loki Odinson.

**I realise that there are probably a million medical inaccuracies in this (I don't take any sciences in my high school course), so please forgive me!**  
**Don't forget to review, here or on my tumblr ( .com) :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Posting from my friend's iPad so the formatting is crap (italics not working properly) but I'll fix it up tonight. For now; enjoy! :) please review.**

Tony woke to a feathery touch ghosting over his face, stroking and brushing his nose, lips and eyelids. It tickled but it also felt nice; loving in a sense. He hadn't felt that in years. He sighed and the touch paused, before resuming. As he regained consciousness, he realised that long thin fingers were touching his face and were currently tracing the shell of his ear.

Tony opened his eyes to see Loki staring back at him, his hand on Tony's cheek as he stroked him. Loki was smiling softly, his eyes fuzzy and heavy-lidded from the pain medication leaking into his blood stream from the IV.

He put his hand on Loki's and smiled. "Hi there," Tony whispered.

The oxygen mask on Loki's face fogged up as Loki mouthed a silent, "Good morning," in reply, too exhausted to give voice to his words.

Tony brought Loki's hand to his lips, pressing kisses to the soft flesh around the IV port.

"How're you feeling?" Tony asked in a hushed tone. He didn't want to speak any louder than the beeping of the ECGs of the patients around them.

"Tired," Loki mouthed back and his eyes fluttered shut.

"Go to sleep, if you're tired. You should be resting. You underwent major surgery last night..."

Loki made a protesting grumble and patted Tony's arm lazily and heavily, his eyes still closed. "But I wanna stay with you," he mumbled.

Tony smiled and brushed Loki's hair from his forehead. "I'll still be here when you wake up." He took a deep breath and leaned in closer to whisper, "I left before, but I promise I won't leave again. I won't ever leave you, Loki, I promise."

Loki smiled gently and opened his eyes, looking thoroughly worn out. "So you keep saying." Then he made a complaining noise and tried to shift on the bed. The reaction was instantaneous. Loki gasped inaudibly; squeezing his eyes closed and fisted his remaining hand around Tony's. The ECG started beating faster. His whole body stiffened as he drew out a long and pained whimper. He kicked out his legs sluggishly.

Tony gripped Loki's forearm. His eyes widened "Don't move yet, please, don't move. Shh, shh, it's okay, baby." He stroked back Loki's hair again. He spied the morphine button next to Loki's bed. "Do you want some more of the good stuff, Lokes?"

Loki whimpered again and choked out, "please."

Tony grabbed the remote and thumbed it many times, looking at Loki in worry. He didn't know how long they just sat there, waiting for the medicine to take effect, but after a while Loki's grip started to slacken and the ECG started to slow down in its beeping.

"Thanks..." he murmured. "I'm gonna go back to sleep now, Tone..." It was saddening to see Loki, the high school English teacher apparently, not be able to use his words clearly.

"Okay, sure," Tony replied. "Just sleep, I'm here..."

Loki closed his eyes and hummed. Tony leant forward and pressed a kiss onto Loki's temple and exhaled a shaky breath, tears falling from his cheeks and onto the hospital bed sheets. He sat back in his seat and frantically wiped at his eyes. He began to get annoyed at how the tears wouldn't stop coming and he started to sob, placing his tightly closed fists on the bed. His body started shaking and he let out a loud cry that cut short when he realised how loud he was being. Tony bit his lip and sucked in a breath through his nose. But it didn't stop the tears that were pouring down his face.

He jumped when he felt a hand lay on top of one of his fists. Tony looked up to see Loki's green eyes staring vaguely into his own. "Please, don't cry, Tony," Loki whispered, looking more sleepy by the minute. Eventually he ended up closing his eyes, but still spoke quietly. "Don't cry. I don't like to see you cry. Don't cry for me, honey."

Tony's heart skipped a few beats when Loki used the pet name. He took a breath and wiped at his eyes again. He nodded. Loki mumbled something under his breath, but it was so incoherent and quiet that Tony couldn't have possibly understood it if he tried. After a while of staring at the sleeping man's face, Tony started staring at Loki's dressing on the stump. It was soft but very thick, probably to reduce or prevent swelling. He noticed that the bandaging looked different, repositioned, and concluded that a nurse had changed the dressing when Tony had been asleep. Tony looked away and focused on Loki's hand that still lay upon his fist. He relaxed his hand and took hold of Loki's, kneading the fingers and knuckles affectionately.

Rubbing Loki's hand helped Loki feel safe and rubbing Loki's hand also helped Tony feel safe.

They never had a safe word when Loki would have a breakdown, back in high school. Whenever Loki would have a breakdown, Tony would take one of his hands and just rub it in between both of his own. It would calm Loki immediately. He would stop hyperventilating between crying out and begin to level out his breaths. His head would clear, and he'd realise who was sitting with him at that moment. It was his wordless comfort.

But it also calmed Tony down as well. Rubbing Loki's hand would keep him level headed and would help him to think. Tony kept rubbing Loki's hand and let his mind wander anywhere else- anywhere- then on the situation he was currently in or where he was.

When Tony woke up, he was surprised for four reasons.

One was that he hadn't even realised that he had fallen asleep in the first place.

Two, he had forgotten that he was in a hospital and the events of the past twenty-four hours rushed into his head all at once, giving him a splitting headache.

Three, he was at least six feet away from the bed in his chair when he should have been directly next to it.

And four, there were at least three nurses surrounding Loki's bed. That was a different kind of surprise. That was the kind of surprise that would give him a heart attack.

Tony leapt up from the chair and quickly got to the bed. "Loki?" He asked, trying to keep himself calm. He couldn't see his friend through the nurses bustling about, and began to get worried. One of the nurses finally noticed him standing there and looked at him pointedly.

"You weren't supposed to stay here last night, sir. Visiting hours only," she said sternly.

Stark gulped. "Umm... Dr Banner let me in."

The nurse brightened up. "Oh, you're Tony Stark!" She held out her hand. "Betty Ross, Bruce's fiancée. So nice to meet you, he said you were visiting someone."

Tony shook her hand while still trying to look over her shoulder at the bed. "Yes... nice to meet you, too... what's happening?"

She glanced behind her. "Oh, we're just moving Mr Odinson to his private room, now."

Tony almost sighed in relief. He relaxed considerably. "Oh, great. I thought something... something had happened."

Betty shook her head before a nurse tapped her on the shoulder. Betty excused herself to start adjusting Loki's IV onto a wheelchair beside the bed that Tony hadn't noticed before.

Tony pulled out his phone and noted that it was 1:15pm; he had slept for almost 15 hours. He slid his phone back in his pocket when a nurse hurried around to the other side of the bed and he could finally see Loki.

The bed was raised so he could sit up straighter rather than lying down. The oxygen mask was gone, leaving his face exposed, and faint pink lines surrounded his mouth and his cheeks where the mask used to be. His cheeks had a bit more colour in them and he looked much better, as well as more awake, even if still tired looking. He still wore the light green hospital gown and at that moment, a blonde nurse was placing tape on the end of a compression bandage she had just put onto his stump.

"There you go, Mr Odinson. Remember what your doctors told you before the surgery. Don't elevate it for too long and if those bandages are too tight or you start to feel phantom pains, call us immediately. Alright?"

Loki nodded and flashed her a charming smile. "Yes, thank you. Will we be departing to my room, now?" He moved to get off the bed but the nurse put a gentle hand on his chest.

"Wait a minute," she chuckled. "Not so fast. We have to get your chair ready before we can go."

Loki groaned. "But I can walk perfectly fine, I do not need the chair!"

"Mr Odinson, you will not be walking to your room. You are still suffering the aftereffects of the anaesthetic, and your balance is severely diminished due to the unfamiliar weight proportion-"

Loki waved his IV'd hand, "Fine, fine, I'll get in the damn chair." He scowled as Betty and a second nurse helped him out of the bed. "I can at least stand by myself, can I not?" Then he saw Tony. "Oh, good morning, Tony! You slept for a while. Are you feeling better?"

Tony felt like he was going to snap. Loki asking me if I feel better? What? I should be asking him that! "I'm fine, fine, when am I not fine?" He grinned at him; he hoped that it didn't look as vicious as he felt.

"Good," Loki replied, smiling, obviously not aware of how angry Tony was feeling. The two nurses helped him upright and he wavered in his stance, nearly toppling over. He staggered to the side but the nurses held onto him, making sure he didn't fall.

"That was close!" Loki remarked, grinning widely. The three nurses and Tony scowled at him.

They successfully got him into the wheelchair before he could collapse completely and assisted him in getting his socked feet on the footrests properly.

The blonde nurse tutted. "Okay, let's get going, we have more patients to get to. Betty, can you please escort Mr Odinson and his... friend... to his private room? Thank you."

Betty smiled at Tony sympathetically and she grabbed hold of the handles to Loki's chair. "Follow us," she beckoned to him while wheeling Loki down the hall of the room.

"Tony," Loki called out. Betty wheeled him around to face him. "Could you please get my bag? It's next to the bed."

Tony grinned and then the pair turned again. He found himself frowning, his mouth twitching, but still, he picked up the travel bag Loki had brought with him to the hospital and followed out the door.

Tony jogged toward them and leaped into the elevator just in time. He looked down to Loki only to find him looking up at him, fondly. Before he could stay anything, Loki smiled and fisted a hand in the front of Tony's shirt, dragging him downwards into a deep kiss.

He let go for a breath then pecked Tony on the lips. "Thank you for being here," he mumbled.

"Anything for you, Loki," Tony replied before asking, "but why didn't—why didn't you tell before? About... this?" He gestured to Loki's heavily bandaged stump. Loki grimaced.

"I'm sorry. I didn't have enough time to—it had to be quick, I didn't know about the operation until I made it to the hospital." Loki looked away from Tony and bit his lip. lies. Come on, you can do better than that, Loki. You were always the liar. The receptionist told me you made the appointment last week. Why are you lying to me? What do you take me for? Don't you trust me?

Tony nodded and grinned. "Fair enough."

But Tony's exterior was cracking.

Once Betty had gotten Loki settled in his new bed and set up the IV drip again, Tony looked around. He made a face full of disgust.

"It's... so small. Tiny." In fact, it wasn't tiny at all. It was actually quite spacious, with a large window on one side and two armchairs sitting side-by-side turned toward the view. It even had a television complete with Blu-Ray player. But Tony wasn't about to admit that. He needed to vent his frustration. "I feel claustrophobic in here. I thought this was a private room?" He directed the question at Betty, an eyebrow raised in a challenge, but Loki answered instead.

"Yes, Tony, this is indeed a private room just like any other. Thank you," he said sincerely to Betty. Tony grimaced.

"Come on, seriously? I've seen bigger hospital rooms. I can get you one. Name your price, future Mrs Banner."

Betty blushed and said, "Actually, there is a bi—" Loki interrupted.

"Tony," Loki said, sternly. Tony saw his face go dark, a familiar expression from their younger years. A look that meant someone's hair was about to get chopped off. "I don't want a bigger room, this is perfectly fine. I do not need one, I cannot afford one and I donot want you paying for it," he seethed, eyes narrowing. "Just let it go."

Tony took a faltering step backwards. He hadn't seen Loki that mad in the 6 days he had been in New York. The simmering anger etched on Loki's face triggered memories from Tony's childhood, he remembered flashes of Loki shouting and screaming at everyone in his vicinity, cutting them with his overly harsh words, lamps knocked to the ground in homes and overturned tables in the classroom. In those few minutes, Tony had seen the Loki he used to know.

He saw Loki lick his lips then take a deep breath, relaxing back into the cushions. He closed his eyes. "Thank you, Betty. I'll see you in an hour?"

Her shocked look morphed into a smile. "Of course, Mr Odinson. See you then. Remember that at 2:00 Baldr will be here to do some stretches, massages and exercises with you." Tony wondered what a "Baldr" was. She left quietly after checking the IV.

The door clicked shut behind her.

The couple was quiet for a few moments. Tony looked out of the window, his arms crossed across his chest, defiantly and pointedly not looking at Loki. Tony heard him shift on the bed then whimper softly. Loki mumbled, "I'm sorry I got so angry at you." He looked genuinely regretful; not like the old Loki at all. The old Loki would have dismissed all claims that Tony was hurt by his words and actions. But this isn't the old Loki, Tony reminded himself. This is someone completely different. A stranger. "But... I get frustrated and I can't—I can't hold it in. And now that this... that this has happened, I can't promise that I won't snap at you again. And I can't promise that it won't end badly next time I do." Tony peeked at him from the corner of his eye. Loki smoothed down the sheets of his bed. "So, it's okay if you want to leave, to go back to California. I wouldn't blame you for doing so. I mean... if I was in your position, I'd want to go as well." His voice wobbled toward the end. Tony could see tears welling up in Loki's eyes and he immediately softened.

Tony dropped the bag where he stood and walked over to Loki's bed, sitting next to him. He put an arm around his waist—avoiding the shoulders—and pressed a kiss on his head. "I'm sorry for being so grumpy for no reason," he whispered. "This is just a really big thing..."

"I understand." Loki sniffed wetly and tears fell from his lashes.

"... but despite how huge this is, I won't leave you to deal with it alone." Loki's head snapped up and he looked at Tony with bloodshot and puffy eyes. "I don't care if you yell at me, or cry, or do the absolute worst you can to me. You're going through something that will be incredibly frustrating, and you can't do this alone."

"You'll be here with me? The whole time? Tony, this... it may take months for me to recover and... you have a company to run. I can't ask you to stay."

"Loki, I am staying with you. Pepper can run the company for a couple more weeks, and we've been thinking about setting up a base here for a while, anyway."

Loki smiled and snuggled into Tony's chest, closing his eyes. "Thank you," he whispered. "I really needed that; thank you."

Tony pecked him on the cheek and allowed Loki to burrow into his torso, revelling in the warmth and comfort he provided but all the while wishing that he could say to Loki that not everyone leaves.

But how could you say that to an orphan twice over who had just lost his only friend and his brother? And who had lost his best friend and boyfriend beforehand.

Tony held Loki closer and closed his eyes, wishing that he could take it all back.


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter contains lots of fighting and angst :P**

They sat there for a long time, just listening to each other breathing and sighing before they heard the door creak open and someone clear their throat. Tony felt Loki shift on his chest. He jerked away when Loki's bony finger pocked into his side repeatedly. "Umm... Tony?"

"Mhmm," Tony had his eyes closed and was concentrating on feeling the warmth of Loki's skin. He nuzzled into his hair.

"Baldr's here."

"What's a Baldr?" He murmured, still not opening his eyes, determined on making the peaceful moment last.

A deep voice answered him, "I am Baldr, Loki's physiotherapist for the duration of his recovery. If you'll get off his bed, Mr Stark, I'd like to begin his exercises."

Tony's eyes shot open and they focused on a very tall, buff, intimidating man, older than them but not by much, with long red hair waving down to reach his shoulders. His eyes were a stunning golden colour. Tony wrinkled his nose. "I'm quite comfortable here, thanks."

"Tony," Loki said in a warning voice. "Please, just get off the bed. Don't be silly."

He grumbled but got off the bed compliantly, disentangling himself from Loki's IV and being very careful not to tug on it. Baldr nodded to Tony, keeping his mouth in a firm line.

"Thank you, and you're welcome to stay for the duration of the session, if Loki is comfortable with it." Loki smiled up at Baldr, his face full of gratitude.

Tony instantly decided that he and Baldr were _not_ going to get along.

Baldr flashed Loki a smile. "Nice to see you again, Loki." He held out his hand, which Loki took. They shook firmly.

"The same to you," Loki replied and then settled back into the pillows behind his back.

"How've you been? I heard the operation went smoothly—that's good indeed."

"I've been quite well, thank you. Apart from the pain of course, but that was to be expected. And yes, the operation did go quite well. Although they did have to remove more than what was discussed, which is a shame."

Tony was shocked at how Loki could act so casually about having an _arm_ removed less than a day ago.

"That is a shame indeed," Baldr rumbled. "Now, today will just be a quick session. We don't want to strain you. It will be stress-free; mostly stretching and massages to prevent muscles from shortening due to the large amount of time you will be staying in bed for the next few days. For the first two weeks, we won't push you too hard; it will be more muscle strengthening because your wound will still be healing. The real physiotherapy will start at the rehabilitation centre you'll be moved to later on."

Baldr moved toward the bed and sat down on the edge. "Mr Stark, if you'll take a seat in the armchair over there? Thank you."

Tony fisted his hands and stomped over to the seat, crossing his arms. Baldr nodded and asked Loki if he may touch him. Loki agreed and Baldr peeled back the bed sheets from Loki, revealing long, thin and pale legs. Loki shifted further up on the bed, looking uncomfortable, and Tony twitched.

"Okay," Baldr began. He grabbed one of Loki's calves, placing his leg in his lap. "I'm just going to work my way up each of your legs know." He started _touching _Loki. His hands kneading over his legs—calves, thighs, and he came dangerously close to Loki's groin at one point to which Loki squeaked and Tony leant forward in his chair. Eventually, he relaxed into Baldr's grip and groaned in pleasure. Even though Loki was no longer uncomfortable with Baldr, it made Tony seethe even more.

Someone was touching _his _Loki? No. That was not happening.

Tony gripped the armrests but continued to watch the physiotherapy session. He knew that Loki would not want him to interfere, so he was going to try his damn hardest not to. But it was hard when he was forced to see his ex-boyfriend be in such a vulnerable position and being touched by a stranger.

Baldr finally finished the torturous rubbing of Loki's legs—that got Tony confused as to whether he was angry or horny, _the bastard_— and got Loki to shift in his bed so that his back was facing Baldr and his front was turned toward Tony. He started on one of Loki's shoulders, pulling down the hospital gown until his chest and the stump were visible. He started massaging behind the right blade vigorously. Loki tensed up significantly and then when Baldr moved to touch his left, he flinched violently.

"S-sorry," Loki stammered, averting his eyes. "It's just a bit... tender."

Baldr gave him a warm smile and laid a hand on Loki's bad shoulder. He began to knead into it. Tony couldn't stand the look on Loki's face. It was twisted in pain; his bottom lip being worried between his teeth and his eyes squeezed shut. When Baldr let go to shift his hand somewhere else on the shoulder, Loki gasped a shaky breath.

Tony stood up immediately. "You're hurting him," he accused Baldr. Baldr's head snapped up. "This isn't supposed to hurt. You have to stop, now."

"I know what I'm doing, Mr Stark. It may hurt Loki now, but it will be very beneficial for his recovery."

Tony shook his head and scoffed. "This is not beneficial! It's going to make it worse."

"_Anthony_," Loki hissed. "_Stop it._ I can handle this. Baldr knows what he is doing. I trust him."

"But you're in pain..."

"Of course I am in pain, you fool!" Loki cried. "How could I not be when I have _an arm missing_? You can be so thick, Tony! Just leave it alone, let Baldr finish this, and stop interfering, _please_."

Tony scowled and stepped back. He sighed heavily and looked out the window. "Okay. I'm going for a walk, won't be back for some time." He stalked toward the door.

"Tony, don't be stupid! Come back," Loki pleaded.

"Don't call me stupid!" Tony shouted. "And don't wait up for me!" He slammed the door shut behind him.

* * *

"Thanks, again, Bruce. I know it's pretty late. You'll probably want to get back to Betty..."

"Not a problem. Just let me know if I can do anything else for you."

The two men walked side by side down the hospital's corridor toward Loki's room on the right-hand side. It was late; almost pitch black outside. Tony had been gone for hours. Bruce stopped outside of the room and put a finger to his lips, silently telling Tony to be quiet. Tony backed off and leant against the wall opposite. The doctor knocked softly and pushed open the door.

"Mr Odinson? Tony is here to see you. Should I let him in?"

Tony heard the rustling of sheets and a television quietly playing. He could hear Loki's distinctive voice mumble a reply. Bruce withdrew from the room and nodded to Tony.

Before Tony could enter the room, Bruce stopped him. "Look, I heard about what happened through Baldr." _Baldr. _Tony ground his teeth together. "I realise that you're going through a really... really tough time with this," Bruce quirked his head toward the door, "going on. But you cannot put my patient through that much stress. Whatever you're feeling right now, he is feeling that a thousand times worse, even if he doesn't like to show it. He needs to be in a relaxing environment through his recovery and if something like this should happen again, I have no choice but to no longer permit you from entering this hospital. I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Tony ran a hand over his face and into his hair. "Yeah, I understand. Sorry."

Bruce gave a shy smile. "It's not me you should be apologising to. Just take it easy in there, it's late and he's just had a lot of morphine that'll kick in soon. Good night, Tony."

Bruce walked off and disappeared down the corridor. Tony took a deep breath before pushing open the door. The room was very dark, the blinds down and the only light was a sliver from the bathroom door that stood slightly ajar and the television on the wall. His eyes locked on the figure in the bed. Loki was sitting up with a mound of pillows behind him and his head turned toward Tony. His eyes were wet and shiny, the tear tracks on his cheeks lit up by the television.

They didn't say anything to each other.

Tony just closed the door behind him and toed off his shoes, leaving them beside the doorway. He walked over the bed and waited for Loki to side over to the side and fold back the sheets. Tony climbed into the bed and drew the covers back over them both, looping Loki's IV tube in front of him in case he accidentally pulled on it. Tony put his arm out invitingly and Loki shifted again, leaning on Tony's chest and pulling his arm around his shoulders. He gave a contented sigh.

Tony quickly realised that the movie was in fact _Chocolat_. He chuckled inwardly. Loki had had the biggest teenage crush on Johnny Depp in high school. They both watched the movie on the television for a while.

Loki spoke first, "Mmm, you smell really good, Tone."

That was their thing. Every time they had a fight in high school, which was many times, they would just return to normal and pretend nothing had happened. It worked for both of them even if it felt like their hearts were tearing in two every time they fought.

Tony chuckled. "Thanks. New cologne." Cologne that he had just bought a little more than two hours ago to cover up the stench of alcohol.

Tony rested his chin on top of Loki's head and pressed a kiss into his hair. He noted that Loki had left his hair loose since their date. It was now curling from the lack of care. After initial hesitation, Tony took a deep whiff of Loki.

"You smell... like a hospital."

Loki quietly laughed. "Well, I won't tomorrow. I get a sponge bath."

"Nice," Tony commented. "Can I be involved in this sponge bath?"

This time, Loki laughed heartily. "I think the nurses might protest to that."

Tony shrugged. "Fair enough. Why not a shower?"

Loki sighed and pulled Tony's arm tighter around him. "The doctors don't want my... don't want it to get wet yet." Tony eyed his friend and felt saddened to see him looking downcast.

"Chin up." Loki looked up at him with wide, moist eyes. "Aw, baby." Tony kissed him on the tip of his nose and Loki smiled widely, before leaning up for another kiss.

They locked lips and kissed deeply, delving in each other's tastes. They caressed each other's lips with their own, their eyes closed as to fully focus on each other's warmth. Tony's tongue traced over Loki's and he felt him shiver under his touch. Their noses bumped together. Loki turned and climbed into Tony's lap, putting his IV'd hand on his shoulder while Tony straddled his waist. They breathed deeply and quickly, it was hot against each other's skin.

Tony reached to push Loki's hospital gown off of his bad shoulder and Loki hissed in pain.

"Ow! Tony—"

But Tony wasn't listening. He continued to try and take off the gown. Loki tried pushing him off feebly, his hand weak from the morphine coursing through his veins.

"Enough please. Tony, I don't want to do this right now."

Tony trailed kisses down Loki's cheek toward his collarbone, biting at the skin softly. He dragged a hand up Loki's thigh, underneath the gown, toward—

"_Stop it_!" Loki cried. "Get off, I said _no_!"

Tony was shocked at his tone. He instinctively let go, his lips smacking together as they lifted off the pale skin. Loki wrenched himself away from Tony, a repulsed look on his face as he stared at the other man.

"Oh, god," Tony gulped. "I'm sorry, the heat of the moment... I-I'm sorry, Loki. I won't touch you like that without your permission again."

The repulsion drained away from Loki's face leaving only exhaustion. "Yes, the heat..." he mumbled, rubbing a hand over his eyes. He sighed loudly. "It's not that I don't want to do—that—with you, Tony. I just—I can't... not now."

"I understand." Tony lifted his arms up once again and nodded toward them. "DO want you wanna...? If you'd like, that is."

He was surprised when Loki crawled back willingly into Tony's protective arms, half on his lap. Loki snuggled into his chest. The movie still played in the background, but it didn't seem like either of them were interested in watching it. Tony looked down at Loki after about ten minutes of staring at the television. His green eyes were half-lidded and his breathing was evening out.

He hummed as if he knew that Tony was studying him. "So tired. Morphine is so _good_ but it's also so _bad_..."

Tony started running his hand through the other man's hair, carefully tugging at the knots. He ran his gaze all over Loki's body, noting his long, near-hairless legs and the way his spine curved and poked out through the backless gown, the vertebrae beneath the skin not looking as prominent as it used to. His eyes locked on Loki's densely wrapped stump and he took a deep breath.

"Hey, Lokes." The other man purred in reply. "The other driver in the accident... have you—have you put in a law suit yet?"

"Nu-uh," Loki shook his head. Tony mentally kicked himself for bringing up the conversation right then while Loki was high on painkillers and definitely not capable of holding a serious conversation. "Sorted it out with my lawyer and we're just negotiating how much compensation the other guy's gonna give me. You know, 'cos he was drunk. And then the woman who hit us after that guy hit us is in negotiation, too. I don't know," Loki forced his eyes open and stretched a little bit to keep himself awake. He said in a more clear voice, "I don't exactly understand what's happening with it. Something about hospital bills and funeral arrangements... I'm just glad it's not being turned into a big thing and that the other drivers are agreeing to compensate. I wouldn't want any trouble."

Tony was quietly building up his anger through Loki's words. He clenched his fists, and his cheeks went red. "Bullshit!" He spat.

Loki head came up and he looked tiredly into Tony's eyes. "Huh?"

"This is not the Loki I know! The old Loki wouldn't have let the bastards get away with this whole fucking thing," Tony squeezed his eyes shut in vexation. "I don't even know who you are anymore."

"Hey!" Loki growled, sitting up beside him on the bed. He grabbed the television remote on the bedside table and flicked the movie off. He could barely see the outline of Loki's figure if it wasn't for the bathroom and the light creeping in from between the blinds.

"You listen to me right this minute Tony Stark—I am _not _that Loki any more. I've changed and I've changed for good. That Loki is never coming back. Ever since you've come to New York, you've been making everything so much harder for me to handle—I see myself reverting back to the old Loki every single fucking day. I don't like him. He was cruel, sadistic and worst of all, he was sad. I don't want to be him anymore. I hate him, Tony! He ruined my life!" Tears were pouring down Loki's pained and angry face. "You _left_ me for ten years!" He sobbed. "You have no right to tell me who I am or who I should be. That right was revoked when you left me to deal with my parents' deaths on my own and went off to screw hundreds of girls in California."

That hit Tony hard.

Loki shoved Tony with his remaining hand. "Go sleep in the armchair, I don't want to look at you right now. _Go, Tony_."

Tony scowled ferociously. "Fine, then. Good night, your highness." An old nickname from high school.

"Don't call me that," Loki screeched. "Just go. Hurry up." Tony ripped himself out of the bed and stalked over to an armchair. "Tony," Loki whimpered in a small voice, his anger swinging back to sad abruptly. Tony stopped walking but didn't look at him. "I really thought you wouldn't come back today."

He clenched and unclenched his fists. "Yeah, me too," he snapped. He climbed into the chair, curled up into a tight ball and shut his eyes, trying to fall asleep and erase the events of the past day.

Why he even thought that visiting Loki in New York after ten years apart and only a couple weeks after his brother's death would be a good idea was beyond him.

They were ripping apart even more instead of healing like they should have.

**Only 2 more chapters left...**

**Please review! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter was getting way too long, so I've decided I will post it in two, possibly three parts!**

**Enjoy.**

Tony blinked at the harsh sunlight that attacked his eyes. He hissed and curled tighter into the armchair before groaning at the soreness of his muscles. He held his head. He really shouldn't have had all those drinks that day before. Tony nearly fell out of the chair when he turned to see Loki wide-awake and staring at him from the bed.

"Jesus!"

"Actually, it's just me," Loki smirked, a twinkle in his eye. He had been sat up in bed, a new bandage upon his stump and a tray of bacon, toast and scrambled eggs lying on his lap. "Good morning, love."

Tony rubbed his eyes sleepily and lifted his arms above his head. "Mornin'." He paused in his morning stretches when he starting remembering what had happened last night.

Ah, yes. The fight. He slowly looked back toward Loki who was still looking at him, a smile playing on his lips instead of the scowl he was expecting. Tony cocked a head to the side in wonder. _Doesn't he remember our fight last night? Why isn't he mad? _Loki sighed and looked down at his tray.

"The nurse brought me this just before," he commented then looked back at Tony. "But I sent her away afterward; I'd rather us just have breakfast without a stranger hovering over us. Anyway... I've just realised that I can't exactly cut this up myself, probably the reason why she tried to insist her presence here. So... err...?"

Tony had been taking cautious steps toward Loki all through his nervous chatter, looking at him curiously. Loki brought a careful hand up to his bandaging and stroked it lightly. Tony took a tentative seat on the left side of his bed.

"I was wondering... if you could..." Loki then started picking at some loose threads in the sheets. "Could you please cut up my breakfast for me?"

Tony sighed and chuckled, his shoulders relaxing. "O-of course, yeah, sure." He reached over the bed and grabbed the knife and fork to start cutting the food into smaller bites. As he was cutting, he was completely aware that Loki's eyes were on him the whole time. When Tony straightened up he realised that he was starving. His stomach felt like a cavity in his torso.

He patted Loki's bony knee through the bed sheet. "Sit tight for a sec; just going to grab some grub." Just as Tony was about to stand, Loki put his hand on Tony's.

"Don't go," he said. "Stay here and share this with me. I'm not very hungry," he reasoned.

Tony shrugged and sat back down, picking up a piece of bacon. He scoffed it down, savouring the greasiness. As he picked up another piece, he watched Loki carefully pick up his fork and shovel some of the scrambled eggs onto the prongs. As soon as it moved up to his mouth, most of the contents fell to the plate with no knife having pushed it on earlier. He only ended up getting about a quarter of what was originally on the fork into his mouth in the end. Loki sighed and put his fork down, choosing instead to massage his temple.

"It's going to take me hours to eat this," he grumbled, grabbing a piece of toast.

Tony chewed and swallowed, then scooped up a forkful of eggs, using the knife to push it onto the fork. He brandished it at Loki. "Open up, Loks."

Loki shot him a filthy look. "No," he simply said.

This time, the first 'no' was enough for Tony. He made a content noise as he gulped down the eggs himself. "If you're sure."

Loki pushed up further in the bed, wincing. He ran his hand through his hair and screwed up his face. "Urgh, I want that bath _now_."

"Not that that would help." Tony winked cheekily. "Remember the nickname I gave you in high school? Snape."

Loki rolled his bright green eyes. He went to cross his arms, then hesitated, settling for laying his companionless arm across his stomach in a hostile way. "I had people call me that for two years because of you! And it was gel— my hair wasn't greasy. That name was inappropriate."

"So?" Tony bit off some more bacon. "Yeah, well, I suppose 'Potter' would have made a better nickname. What with those thick glasses you wore. Or 'Clark Kent'. They looked more like his." Loki playfully shoved him, grinning but Tony continued, "I barely recognised you without those goofy glasses on! Where'd they get to?"

Loki ate another piece of toast and shrugged. "I just don't need them as much anymore. Apart from reading of course, but I'd never be caught dead with them in front of you."

Loki snatched the remains of the bacon from Tony's closed fist, making a show out of eating it.

Tony watched Loki's jaw working up and down, before leaning closer and deciding to kiss that smug smile off of Loki's face. At first, he could feel the taller man going tense under his touch, but he then relaxed into it, moaning deeply. Loki brought up his hand to Tony's head and ran his fingers through the thick, brown hair.

It was as if the fight had never happened.

It might as well not have.

Because that is what they did. If they fought, as soon as it was over they pretended nothing had happened and all was well. Even if it was not.

Even if they were breaking inside.

* * *

The next week and a half went by smoothly. While Loki had his daily physiotherapy sessions in his room with Baldr, Tony went to various business meetings. He left the hospital to go to the meetings for two reasons. One, because Pepper was about to strangle him if he missed one more meeting (he hadn't told her what had happened yet); and two, because Baldr was getting on Tony's last nerves with his feeling and touching Loki and his friendliness. Tony was trying to keep it together around him for Loki's sake.

But even though Tony was trying as hard as possible to be civil through that week and a half, Loki just got more and more emotional as his physiotherapy sessions got harder, Loki's lawyers called him up more often about problems with the compensation and the doctors weened him off his morphine. He was definitely not relaxed; he was getting more stressed by the minute.

Tony was usually woken up a few times a night by Loki's tossing and turning, crying loudly and feebly at the stabbing phantom pains that raked up and down the arm that was no longer there. He twisted in the sheets and cried, sweat beading on his head. He'd end up biting his bottom lip and writhing around, bawling. Tony would hold him and rock him back and forth until the worst was over. Until Loki stopped sobbing and crying out in pain. Until he stopped telling Tony that he felt like his arm was twisted and deformed, swollen like a huge worm and ready to burst.

Tony would secretly cry with him during those times. Tears rolled down his cheeks and collected in his goatee as Loki whined and panted and curled in on himself, Tony whispering sweet-nothings.

Tony tried to ignore Loki's constant calls for his brother to help him.

"_Please, Thor, please, make it stop. Make it stop. Stop, stop, stop. Please, Thor, please_."

Loki's pleading was interspersed with muffled howls as he buried his face in Tony's chest. He kept telling him that the arm was swelling up even more and was going to rupture.

"_Please, it hurts, brother. It's really hurting, Thor. Make it go away. Make it stop hurting. Thor, I need you. Thor, please, brother, it hurts._"

* * *

On the Wednesday on the second week of Loki's hospital stay, someone knocked at the door. Tony and Loki were curled up together on the bed, watching reruns of "Doctor Who".

Loki righted himself. "Come in," he called, rearranging his gown. He swatted away Tony's hands that were creeping around his waist.

A tall, thin brunette nurse swept into the room with a bright grin. "Good morning, Mr Odinson. Good morning, Mr Stark."

Tony flashed her a smile. "Morning." He didn't even try with a name. There had been too many nurses that had come and gone.

"Good morning," Loki reciprocated. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

The nurse closed the door behind her. "Baldr just wanted me to let you know that he will meet you in the physiotherapy gym, not in your room as usual, in half an hour. And he said to wear comfortable clothing—not your gown."

Tony's face twitched at the mention of Baldr. "Okay, honey, that's my queue to leave." He pecked Loki on the cheek and started to shuffle off the bed.

The nurse shook her head. "Oh, I'm sorry. Baldr actually requested both of you to be there. Do you have somewhere to be, Mr Stark?"

Tony was shocked. "Uh—no, not particularly... are you sure he asked for me?"

"Explicitly."

Loki blinked up at Tony in surprise. Tony shrugged and got up off the bed. "Okay, sure. I'll be there." He wasn't looking forward to seeing Baldr again but he couldn't exactly say no.

"Is there anything you'd like, Mr Odinson? Have you been feeling phantom pains this morning? Dr Banner informed me that you've been experiencing quite painful bouts of it."

While the two conversed about this and that, Tony rooted through Loki's travel case, flicking clothes between his hands. After about five minutes, the nurse nodded to both of them and left. Loki crawled to the end of the bed, an impressive feat with one hand, and smirked at Tony going through his clothes.

"Tone?"

"Mmm?"

"What areyou up to?"

Tony grinned at him. "Just helping out, looking for some clothes for you."

Loki rolled his eyes. "I think I can handle choosing my outfit for the day." He gracefully climbed off the bed—the IV had been removed a few days earlier—and padded over to Tony, much more balanced than he had been a week ago. He crouched beside Tony and helped him shuffle through the bundles of clothes. Tony snuck a peak of Loki's smooth, pale back and his silky green boxers, defining the perfectly sculpted behind. Loki seemed to know what Tony what looking at and smiled to himself.

Finally, Loki picked up a moss green t-shirt and black drawstring gym shorts. He stood up, accepting Tony's help.

"I'll just be in there," Loki poked his thumb toward the bathroom. "Be out in five minutes."

"You need any help?"

Loki quirked an eyebrow in amusement. "I'll be fine. It's only getting dressed."

Tony grinned as Loki sauntered toward the door, slipping through into the bathroom. He sat down on the bed and stared at the now closed door, jogging his leg up and down.

After twelve minutes of waiting, Tony stood and knocked on the door. "Lokes? You alright?"

There was the shuffling of feet and then Loki's reply, "Don't come in," he squeaked. "I'm nearly done."

Tony nodded. "You sure? Need any help?"

This time Loki paused.

"Loki?"

"Umm... if I let you in to help, can you promise you won't laugh?"

"... I promise? What's up? Can I come in now?"

"You can come in, just don't laugh, please."

Tony pushed open the door and stepped inside. The hospital gown was flung to the ground near the shower. He saw Loki sitting on the closed toilet, his head caught in a sleeve and his arm tucked inside the tight shirt. His face loomed out of the hole, flushed red with embarrassment. The gym shorts were pooled at his bare feet, he was just in his boxers.

Tony chuckled and shook his head. Loki was not amused.

"That's it, get out, Tony. I asked you not to laugh at me," he snapped.

"I'm not laughing at you, baby." He tried to contain a wild grin. Tony squatted beside Loki and touched his nose to Loki's—an Eskimo kiss. "Here, let me help." He lifted the shirt above Loki's head so he could get untangled, then coaxed Loki's arm through the sleeve. He pulled down the shirt carefully, apologising when Loki hissed as the shirt dragged over his stump's dressing. The left sleeve hung loosely with nothing to fill it. Then Tony pulled up the shorts around the other's hips and did the drawstring up for him.

"Thanks," Loki murmured, looking sad. His mouth was turned down and his eyes were wet. A lone tear ran down his cheek. He sniffled.

Tony's eyebrows drew together and he placed a loving kiss on his cheek, kissing the tear away. He brought his hands up to Loki's face and gave him a shy smile. "Hey," he whispered. "It'll be okay. It'll take a while for you to learn to do these things yourself, so don't stress. You'll get there eventually. Until then, I'm here to help you out."

Loki nodded and wiped his eyes. "T-thanks Tone. Thank you." His black hair fell into his face and he tucked it behind each of his ears. Tony motioned Loki to sit back down and went to the sink, picking up his bathroom bag and finding a hair tie. He walked back and proceeded to tie Loki's hair back in a low ponytail.

"It's getting so long," Tony commented as he ran his fingers through the thick hair to untangle knots.

"Yeah," Loki chuckled, albeit sadly. "Thor and I—we were... we were competing against each other as to who could grow their hair the longest." Loki rubbed his eyes with his hand. "I guess I should cut it off. It's no use, now." He tried to rein in a sob.

Tony finished tying it in a ponytail and whirled around to face his friend—_boyfriend? _"Don't cut it. I love it, it's beautiful." Loki scoffed and tried to turn away with shining eyes. "Loki—you're beautiful." He pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. When he pulled away, Loki licked his lips, smiling.

"Flatterer." Loki grasped Tony's forearm to pull himself up. "Let's go, don't want to keep Baldr waiting do we?"

Tony groaned dramatically as Loki dragged him from the bathroom. Loki put on his slip-on sneakers and continued to pull Tony out of the room into the corridor. They waltzed down to the corridor, hand in hand and secured an elevator.

Tony looked into Loki's eyes and lifted his hand, kissing each of his knuckles lovingly. The elevator doors opened again and a family of three walked in: a mother, a father and a young boy, no more than ten years old. Tony saw Loki's eyes immediately soften as he looked at the boy. He knew that Loki loved children.

Loki and Tony stepped to the side to make room for them, but didn't let go of each other's hands. The doors closed again. After a few seconds, the little boy started staring at Loki, open-mouthed. Loki shuffled nervously and leant on Tony. The boy tugged at the sleeve of his father's jacket.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"That man has one arm. Why? It's creepy."

The father immediately stiffened and looked up at Loki. Loki turned away and hid his face in Tony's neck, his body shaking. The father mouthed an apology to Tony. Tony waved a hand then stroked Loki's hair in an effort to comfort the now crying man.

"Jakey, that's not polite," the father said. "Can you say you're sorry to the man now?"

'Jakey' drew his eyebrows together. "Sorry, mister. I didn't mean to make you sad. I just wanted to know..." he trailed off as his mother scowled down at him.

The elevator doors opened and the group walked out, Loki heavily supported by Tony. The mother hurriedly whispered in Jakey's ear. Jakey started to cry. "I'm sorry, mommy. I didn't know, I'm really sorry." He started sobbing, rubbing his runny nose on his sleeve.

Loki let go of Tony carefully, giving him a smile of gratitude, and then bent down to Jakey's level. Tony kept a steady hand in the middle of Loki's back. "Hey, buddy." He looked at Loki, sniffing. "It's okay. You didn't know." Jakey looked like he was going to cry again, but then Loki wrapped his arm around his tiny body, giving him a hug. Jakey stopped crying and nervously hugged him back.

Tony's heart melted at the sight.

Eventually, Jakey's father tugged him away from "the nice man" and led him away to the hospital cafeteria. His mother stayed behind, smiling at Loki.

"Thank you for not taking offence. He can be a little..." she searched for a word but didn't come up with anything.

Loki chuckled and wiped his swollen, tear-filled eyes. "It's alright. I'm a teacher; I'm used to it."

"Oh, so, this..." she gestured to his left side. "That's not why you're here? You've been handicapped for a while?"

Tony's eyes narrowed and he sneered at her. _How dare she call Loki that?_

Loki gave her a watery smile. "No— it is why I'm here, actually. I'm sorry. I'd better go. I have an appointment." He turned quickly and disappeared around the corner.

Tony shook his head and sprinted after Loki. When he caught sight of his friend, he saw him leaning against a wall, his head tilted back and his eyes closed. Tony walked up to him and put a hand on his arm.

"You alright?"

"Yeah," Loki breathed, opening his eyes. "I'm fine. Geez, Tony, I feel so stupid for crying." He roughly wiped his streaming eyes again. He took a deep breath then let it out, instantly grinning. It didn't reach his eyes.

Come to think of it, none of Loki's smiles ever reached his eyes. Tony wondered what was going on in Loki's head.

"I'm okay now. I just—I better start getting used to these kind of things, huh?" Loki chuckled.

Tony gave him a sympathetic look. "Listen, Loki. What she said... you're not—"

"But I am, Tony," Loki cut him off. "I am now, and I can't change that. I just have to get used to it and live life to the fullest you know?" He sighed. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's just go." He tugged Tony down the corridor.

Tony saw right through the façade. Loki wasn't happy. He'd never been happy, the whole time Tony had been in New York. He'd been faking it.

He was beginning to realise that this was not Loki—he'd been right all along. Loki was putting up a wall, an emotional wall. He had created a false identity of an optimistic, happy, content Loki. But eventually, the wall would come crumbling down.

Or maybe Tony was wrong.

**The next chapter should be up within the next two weeks.**

**Reply to ratatouie's review (whom I forgot to reply to- sorry!): That has to be one of my favourite reviews I've gotten on here :D thank you! And all will be revealed in the last chapter/s or the sequels... PS: Is this update soon enough for you? :P**

**Please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi all! This will be the second last chapter for this fic. I'll try and get the last one up ASAP (probably by Monday), especially because it ends on a sort-of cliffhanger.**

They made it to the physiotherapy gym quickly. It was fairly big, as big as a normal gym, but with modified and more advanced equipment. Loki squeezed Tony's hand in anticipation. They walked through the gym toward Baldr, whom they spied helping a young man with a broken leg stretch out his arms. He was wearing a dark tank top that displayed his highly muscled arms and bike shorts that highlighted the rippling burliness of his legs. Tony hunched in on himself, trying to appear bigger and failing miserably. The hunching of his shoulder only made Loki tell him to stand up straight.

Baldr looked up and grinned. Tony wanted to punch him in the face. "Hey, Loki! Look at you, up and about at last. It's nice to see you looking better."

Loki shook his hand, smiling. "Yes, it's great. And I brought Tony with me, as you asked."

Baldr patted the young man on the shoulder and stood up. "Lovely! It's nice to see you again, Tony. Loki said you've been busy with work?" He extended his hand to Tony but Tony looked at it distastefully until he lowered it.

"You could say that."

Baldr continued smiling, thought it looked a bit forced, then clapped his hands together. "Right, now, I brought you both here because I need to introduce you to the equipment you'll be using from now on. No more lying around in bed all day, Loki."

Loki laughed. "I suppose not. Shall we?"

For about ten minutes, Baldr showed the couple around the gym, pointing out various upper-body strengthening equipment Loki would use to strengthen his torso and remaining arm to compensate for his left side. He also showed them the lower-body equipment, where Loki would build up his fitness and the strength in his legs.

He finally brought them to a pulley-oriented machine. "Okay," Baldr guided Loki to the equipment and instructed him to hold onto the handle above his head. "Just pull it across and in front of your body—that's a boy—and if you want more weight, just use the pin to adjust it. Do about twenty reps at a regular pace, take a break, and then repeat twice over."

Loki nodded and shrugged. "Okay." He started on his reps, breathing deeply in time with the machine. "Is my posture...? Am I alright?"

Baldr nodded, leaning back and inspecting Loki. Tony swore that his eyes lingered on Loki's buttocks more than what was necessary. "You're doing just fine, keep going."

As his boyfriend continued, Tony could see him getting more and more exhausted than he already was. The crying had worn him out and now the exercise, not even half over, was making him even more tired. His arm trembled and sweat poured off of him. Tony was holding his breath as he watched. Finally, blissfully, Loki finished his first lot and he sighed in relief, rolling his shoulder backwards and keeping his stump as still as humanly possible. But Baldr wasn't going to let him stop there.

"Okay, no time for a long break. Keep going."

Loki looked at him tiredly but did as he asked, once again gripping the handle but more sluggishly and tugging the pulley across his torso. Tony could only have so much of the dark-haired man gritting his teeth and groaning with the strain.

"I think it's time to stop," Tony announced. He turned to the physiotherapist. "He's going to tire himself out. Tell him to stop."

Baldr raised his eyebrow and chuckled. "I think I know what I'm doing, Mr Stark. Loki is doing just fine."

He looked back to his boyfriend whose pace was now slowing. His hand was slack in the handle. It was too much for someone just starting out. No less a man with only one arm.

"No," Tony growled. "I _said_—now. He's had enough."

Fire bloomed in the depth of Baldr's eyes. He turned away from him and clasped a hand down onto Loki's bad shoulder roughly, making the other man suck in an agonising breath and Tony step forward.

"Good job, Loki. Keep going with those while I talk to Tony."

Loki nodded and resumed his quicker pace, straightening up.

Tony's eyes widened as Baldr lead him to an obscure corner of the gym. He looked back to see Loki smiling goofily at him, his eyes revealing his tiredness. Tony was about to give a witty retort to Loki's smirk when Baldr stopped him next to the drinking fountain. They stood there for a while, not looking at each other and not speaking. Tony saw Baldr's face go increasingly darker and angrier as the seconds ticked by.

Eventually, Tony had had enough. "What do you want?" He demanded.

Baldr looked up at him, sharply. He was scowling. "Tony— I am trying to make an effort here. Will you give me a break?" Tony remained silent. "Look, I understand why you dislike me. Not many of the patients' partners do to be honest. I'm not trying to put him in pain on purpose," he stated. "This is just how it works, there's a little bit of pain and then they get better. I can't change that."

"You can go a little easier on him is all I'm saying," Tony hissed. "He's been under so much strain already, Bruce said that his phantom pains are the worst he's ever seen because of the amount of stress—"

Baldr cut him off. "You have misinterpreted Dr Banner's words, Tony. He was trying to say that _your _presence is making this rehabilitation no easier for Loki. You are the source of his stress. You constantly worry him about whether you'll return to him or not. And you're always trying to pick a fight. He tells me how scared he is that you'll leave him again and I don't like that."

Tony tried to protest but Baldr spoke over the top of him.

"I know what you did to him," he barked. "We talk a lot during our sessions together and he told me all about how you left him while he was clinically depressed and his parents had just died. He told me that after the break-up at the party, he tried to—" Baldr paused and looked at the ground, his fists clenched. "It's not my place to say what happened, but the point is that you are not helping him whatsoever. You are a liability to Loki's recovery and I want you gone once and for all."

Tony fumed. "I'm sorry, weren't you just saying that the reason I stress Loki out is because he thinks I'll leave him? And you want me gone? That is one hell of a contradiction; you should really check your facts. And Loki and I, not that it's any of your damn business, but _we're in love_. I don't care what you say. He's my boyfriend again and whether you like it or not, I'm going to stay with him as long as he wants me to—"

"Love?" Baldr scoffed, throwing his flaming hair back and laughing cruelly. "You think that this is love? You only want him as your plaything. You're stringing him along and if you think I'm going to let you get away with that, you are sorely mistaken."

Tony bared his teeth. "What are you going to do about it?" He puffed out his chest and sized Baldr up, quickly remembering that he was probably twice his size. "Are you going to threaten me? Go ahead. I won't budge. Because I'm not leaving him. Ever. You're just being a jealous bastard because I have him and you don't. I see the way you look at him."

Baldr faintly blanched. "The relationship is purely professional, Mr Stark, I have no interest in him whatsoever."

"Uh-huh, sure you do."

Baldr straightened up, casting a shadow over Tony, making him want to cower. But he kept his strong stance. The redheaded man opened his mouth to snap back at him but then there was a nervous clearing of the throat.

"Is there a problem here?"

Both the infuriated men whipped their heads toward none other than Bruce Banner standing next to them, pushing his glasses up his nose.

Baldr smiled. "No, no problems."

Tony gaped. "Yes, there _is_ a problem!" The physiotherapist glared at Tony.

Bruce looked between the two and sighed. "Baldr, please attend to Loki. He has completed the first exercise." He stalked off as requested, but not before growling at Tony.

Tony jabbed a finger in Baldr's direction. "You can't just let him talk to me like that! Bruce, come on, he's being completely unreasonable. He wants me to leave Loki, probably so he can get his grubby hands all over him. Have you seen him rub himself all over Loki's legs? It's disgusting—"

"Tony," Bruce groaned. "Stop. Please. You're giving me a headache." He massaged his temples, furrowing his brow.

Tony shook his head. "Yeah, yeah. Just don't get angry," he said, remembering the time Bruce had exploded and attacked three men trying to hit on Betty.

Bruce gave him a crooked grin and quietly chuckled. "Yes, that was quite an event."

Tony ran a hand over his face, closing his eyes. "Did you want to talk to me or something?"

"Oh, right." The doctor looked thoughtful then said, "If you wouldn't mind, can we talk privately? We need to have a chat. Can we go get some lunch or something? Have you eaten?"

Tony looked over at Loki and tensed when he saw Baldr's hands around his waist, helping him onto some sort of chin-up apparatus. Loki knelt on the platform then latched onto the poll above his head; Baldr adjusting the amount of weight the platform would take. Loki then pulled himself up, grimacing slightly, into a chin up using his lone arm. It was shaking to the extreme now, and sweat stained his right underarm.

Bruce led Tony out of the gym and away from the very real possibility that he would try to tackle Baldr to the ground. He glanced back at Loki one more time. He was doing slow and calculated chin ups. Baldr was smirking at Tony while he fondled Loki's waist under the impression that he was helping Loki keep his balance.

The two ex-Californians walked in silence with only the quiet chitchat of their life after high school to keep up the pretence that they had kept in touch.

They entered the bright and open cafeteria. Tony was momentarily stunned by the transition of the dull glow of electric light to the harsh and warm sunlight. Bruce led him to the line of people to order his food and once they had collected their food the secured a table near the centre of the dining area. It was far more exposed than Tony would have liked.

Bruce set down his glasses but did not make a move to touch his burrito. He raised his hands to his face and rested his chin on top of them.

Tony knew at that moment that something was wrong.

"Bruce?" he asked. "Has something happened? Do I need to prepare for anything?" He laughed nervously but the smile dropped off his face when the doctor did not share his good humour.

"Okay, Tony," Bruce finally spoke. "I know that... I just want you to know that we did everything we possibly could to save as much of Loki's arm as possible."

Tony nodded, furrowing his brow. He was unsure of what he was about to be informed of but he was sure that he would not like it one bit.

Bruce sighed. "Before the operation... we measured Loki up for a prosthetic – a normal one, one he could control easily as well as afford. We had originally planned to make the incision about here," he gestured toward a point between his shoulder and the elbow but a lot closer to the latter, "because of the high level of pain in the elbow and the severity of the injuries to his lower arm and hand. We'd planned the operation only a few days after we plastered it, as we quickly realised that the arm was beyond saving.

"But then... then he came to us a few days after the initial meetings with an infection in his shoulder stitches... and we had no choice but to operate as soon as possible and amputate further up the arm. The infection is the reason why... why he wasn't left with a residual limb." Bruce took a deep breath, worn out by the emotion of it all.

Tony's heart was pounding in his ears. His breath had shortened significantly. He didn't think it would be this traumatic to hear the proceedings of Loki's amputation. It made the situation all the more real. _Why didn't Loki tell me? He's known for weeks! He knew about the operation while he was at the funeral. He knew and didn't bother to tell me. He knew that he was about to lose his arm._

Tony clenched his shaking fists and willed the colour to return to his face and the churning of his stomach to cease.

He gulped. "So... so what're you trying to say, Brucey?"

Bruce pursed his lips. "The removal of the entire arm from the shoulder—a shoulder-disarticulation—was a very quick decision and therefore unexpected. Well, the measurements for the original prosthetic are useless to us now. We need to measure him up again in order to make a completely new kind of prosthetic for him to use."

Tony sighed loudly in relief and fell back into a relaxed posture in his plastic seat. "Oh, geez," he gasped. "You gave me a fucking heart attack! I thought something had happened. Oh, god... only measurements? Do you need me to set up an appointment or...?"

Bruce raised his hand in an effort to silence the known motor mouth. "Tony, he won't let us."

The colour once again drained from the inventor's face. "Wh-what?"

"He won't let us measure him for the arm."

Tony was in shock. "No, no Loki would... he was devastated about losing... he would seize every opportunity—"

"That's what we believed too," Bruce reasoned. "But he's refusing another measurement for his new prosthetic and a prosthetic altogether."

_He's refusing a prosthetic? _Tony squeezed his eyes shut, feeling an astonishing headache coming on. "But _why_? Why is he doing this?"

Bruce shrugged. "The only reason I can think of is that the cost of the new arm—it's a lot more than what has been decided upon... and he only has his job at the high school."

"You think that it's the money?" Tony scowled at the table. "Is this why you're talking to me about it? You want me to persuade my boyfriend, whom has only just renewed his trust for me, into letting you measure him up and for me to pay for the arm he doesn't want? All against his wishes, might I add."

Bruce looked ashamed. "If—if that's something you might be willing to do..." Tony turned away but Bruce stopped him. "I only ask for you to do this because having the arm would be a hell of a lot easier for Loki to continue living as he had before. I'm thinking what would be the best thing to help his recovery and his... self image."

Tony was about to argue the point but then he hesitated. He was drawn back to Loki's imbalance, his inability to do the littlest things like tie his hair back or cut his food. It broke Tony's heart to see him so vulnerable, so dependent on others.

All because of that operation.

If Tony agreed to try and persuade Loki to get the arm, it could help him start his new life. He would be able to live easily and freely. A lot easier than he would be able to with just one arm.

Loki needed this.

Tony looked back at Bruce, straight into his eyes. He took a deep breath, nodding. "I'll do it. I'll convince him."

He desperately tried to ignore the twisting feeling inside him and the tiny voice moaning to him that this was a bad, bad, _bad_ idea.

And the voice wasn't wrong.

**DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN!**  
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	8. Chapter 8

**Okay, people. Not quite the last chapter. I'm going to give up giving estimates now, but I know that it's nearly done.**

**Thanks to all that have reviewed! Enjoy :)**

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Bruce walked Tony back to Loki's room a half hour before the physiotherapy session was due to be over.

Then there was half an hour of tormented thoughts running through Tony's head. He couldn't decide whether he should follow through with Bruce's request. He sat on the bed with his head in his hands, trying to control his breathing. He wanted what was best for Loki. Getting the arm would be the best thing for him. But Bruce said that Loki didn't want it. Shouldn't he respect his boyfriend's wishes? After all, he was a grown man. He could take care of himself.

Tony started pacing back and forth across the room, wringing his hands together. Thunder clashed outside and lightning lit up the room. Rain pelted the windows full-force. The amount of noise drowned out Tony's thoughts and eventually he wound up lying on the bed watching a cooking show on TV. He was curled up in a ball, his mind numb from the amount of thoughts and ideas and analyses that were muddled up and swelling rapidly.

Tony's heart was hammering a million miles a minute. Loki was late. Why was he late? The inventor twiddled his thumbs and sighed deeply.

His thoughts starting sorting them out after a while. He began to think about Loki's possible reactions if Tony did as Bruce asked. Would he shout at Tony? Would he cry? By asking Loki to do this, even though he knew that he'd already refused, he was effectively betraying him. And everyone knows what had happened last time Tony had betrayed Loki...

The thing you should know about Tony and Loki's breakup is that Tony didn't mean to hurt Loki at first. He hadn't even _known _about his parents' deaths until he had done the deed multiple times. Tony had thought to himself when he moved that he and Loki would never be together again. So he decided to screw half the girls in his year.

Bad idea, quite clearly.

But Tony hadn't intentionally done it just to hurt Loki. He had done it to distract himself from what his life had become—living with just his father after his mother refused to move with them to California and leaving his best friend/boyfriend behind.

Then Loki had emailed him informing him that his parents had passed away and he and his brother were to move in with his uncle Tyr. Tony felt _awful_. He had cheated on Loki in his time of need. So what did Tony do to try and get over his sorrows?

Fuck more broads of course.

Tony's stomach twisted with guilt as he thought about the sheer number of students he had one-night stands with and not thought twice about Loki during them.

He still couldn't believe that he had done it. He had cheated on _Loki—_the already deeply depressed, young boy. Oh, he was so young then. And so different. He was completely different compared to what he was now.

Back in high school, Loki had been known as the crazy, lanky, gay, emo kid who'd set fire to your locker if you insulted him or his boyfriend. By the time Tony had left, Loki had burnt down a few dozen lockers, give or take. He was also known for his incredible and condescending attitude. It wasn't uncommon that if the teachers were incorrect in a lecture that Loki would taunt them and criticise them for their stupidity or if someone were to bump him in the hall by accident, he'd stuff them in a janitor's closet.

Now, Tony never exactly condoned or approved of this frankly appalling behaviour. But he wasn't about to stop Loki from unleashing his emotions and instead encourage him to bottle them up. Bottling emotions had some bad consequences. Including a number of times where Tony had to talk down a very drunk Loki from the ledge of his house's roof. Those were some scary times. Loki had been diagnosed with depression when he was thirteen and he hadn't gotten much better since then. At least, until now, with Loki's apparent personality switch.

It wasn't all so dramatic with Loki back then. After all, they had grown up together, ever since they had met in kindergarten. They shared many funny adventures together, one that included getting lost in the forest behind Loki's house and another that had them convince Thor to dress up as a woman, complete with dress, heels and heavy make-up, in order for them to get their ball back from the 'scary' next-door neighbour. They had laughed together, cried together and lived their lives together. It was the happiest period of Tony's life.

They were always there for each other, through and through. If 8-year-old Tony scraped his knee, 7-year-old Loki was there to kiss it better. If 16-year-old Loki was about to have a mental breakdown in the middle of the cafeteria, 16-and-a-half-year-old Tony was there to calm him down. If 14-year-old Tony was struggling with his sexuality and attraction for his best friend, his best friend Loki was there to assure him that what he was feeling was love and it was natural.

They were yin and yang— made for each other.

That's why Tony was so confused when he met up with Loki once again ten years after the horrific breakup to find him a completely changed man. No more depression, no more anger and no more self-hatred existed within the new Loki. Tony liked that part. But there was no more mischief, no more excitement and no more _Loki_. That bothered Tony.

What had happened to change him so much? Tony needed to know. He wanted the old Loki back, but at the same time, he enjoyed the new, happy Loki.

A lot had changed in ten years. He didn't know if they could be the same ever again. And the terms that they had broken up on were not exactly amicable.

Okay, scratch that. They were horrifying.

After Tony had received Loki's email and had sex with approximately ten more students, he got an invitation to Loki's 17th birthday party. It was very unexpected; Tony had been ignoring all of Loki's emails for a while. And now, well, his dad was out of town getting hitched with his new wife, and at the same time the love of his life asked him to come up to New York for his birthday. What would you have done?

When Tony got there, he was drunk and out of his mind. He had drunk almost the entire mini fridge on his flight there in order to stop the guilt and the sadness from building up inside him. He stumbled over to the unsuspecting Loki—who was looking breath-takingly _beautiful _in tight black leather pants and a long-sleeved silver shirt (it was always a long-sleeved shirt)—and told him loudly that he was dumped. His exact words were:

"I can't deal with your shit as well as mine. So we're over, done, finite! I'm completely over you now, Loki _Laufeyson,_" he regretfully had used his birth name, "and to prove it, here is the list of girls I've fucked in the past couple of months." Drunken Tony Stark had actually had the gall the night before to type up and print a long list of girls he had been banging lately, some even without names and instead just descriptions. "You're too much of a drama queen, go into therapy or something."

It was funny at the time; Tony had felt good doing that. Afterward, not so much.

Then the memory got a little blurry, but he did remember Loki shrieking at him and crying his heart out. The whole of Loki's high school had been there at the ever-popular Thor's request. They laughed and jeered that the great Loki Odinson had been taken down a peg or two. No one knew about his rapidly declining mental health. They hadn't known, as well as Tony hadn't, that Loki had only just been taken out of the hospital for anorexia for the second time in his life. Tony had found out about the relapse when he finally decided to read his emails from Loki, after he could finally bring his pounding head out of the toilet bowl.

Loki had hit, pushed and shouted at Tony, pounding his weak fists against the other boy's chest. He sobbed loudly and eventually ran up into his room, slamming the door shut. Everyone could hear his agonised screams through the wood of the door.

Tony would never forget that night.

The night that he and Loki broke up.

The night he left the only man he had ever been with.

The night Loki's big brother punched him in the face, fracturing his jaw, and threw him out of the Odinson mansion once and for all.

The last night that he had seen Thor Odinson alive was when he had been cursing Tony's very existence and swearing revenge for his brother.

After another painstaking fifteen minutes more of Tony reminiscing about the past, the door clicked open. Loki stood in the doorway, his figure slumping but still managing to be taller than Tony ever could be. He looked incredibly drained. He had great stains marring his shirt and raven hair fell around his face in sweaty tangles, the hair tie having fallen out of place. He stumbled inside and closed the door behind him.

He met his bright green eyes with Tony's warm yet anxious brown ones. He smiled softly, toeing off his sneakers and making his way over to his boyfriend. He climbed into the bed. Tony jumped when he felt icy feet knocking against his jean-clad shins. Loki buried himself into Tony's chest as if he were a bed. He wrapped his spindly arm around Tony's waist and rested his stump on the pillow behind them. By the end of the getting-comfortable process ala Loki (which was much similar to a cat's), the darker-haired man was curled up on Tony's chest, stomach-down, his long legs tucked up beside him. Tony pulled Loki closer, peppering kisses into his hair that, although smelt like sweat, made Tony's heart flutter. For after ten years, he hadn't thought he'd hold this man in his arms again after his juvenile and pigheaded mistakes.

"Afternoon, love," Loki purred.

Tony automatically grinned back, but his worries still niggled at his mind. He ran his fingers through Loki's wet hair and tugged him forward into a close-mouthed kiss.

They broke apart and looked into each other's eyes. "Hi," Tony whispered, not trusting his voice to go any louder, lest it break like a teenage boy's.

Loki looked puzzled, but did not question Tony's mood. Instead, he peeled himself off of Tony; trailing kisses from his forehead down to his collarbones. He settled himself on his back this time, but still laid upon Tony's chest. Tony froze when Loki's stumped-shoulder rubbed against his body. He shivered from the strange sensation.

Loki hummed in content, locking his eyes on the muted television. "Ah, you've been watching telly while I was gone, then? I saw Dr Banner pull you away..."

Tony nodded and rested his chin on the top of Loki's head. "Yeah, he just wanted a quick chat." He bit his lip, unable to escape the feeling that if he followed through with Bruce's instructions, it would not end well at all.

"Yes?" Loki acknowledged. "Anything interesting?" He was so unsuspecting.

Now was Tony's chance. He had to do it now. It was his cue. "Ummm..." He stared down at Loki. He looked so beautifully happy. "Well..."

"Spit it out," Loki chuckled.

"He just..." Do it now. "Wanted..." Now. "He wanted..." But look at Loki. "Wanted me..." He was so happy. "To..."

No doubt Tony pressuring him into doing something he didn't want to do would rip that happiness from his grasp. By Loki's team of doctors _and _Tony trying to convince him to get the arm, he might feel cornered.

"He just wanted to catch up with me, that's all. Not much happened, mostly Californian chitchat, you know," he blurted.

Tony had temporarily decided that the taller man was very independent, he could most likely handle living the way he did with only one arm. He didn't need the fake arm.

He felt Loki grin. "That's good; I'm glad you got to catch up with him before I left."

Tony paused in his stroking of Loki's cheek. "Before you left?"

Loki sat up clumsily, pushing on Tony's chest in order to sit upright without the aid of his non-existent arm. He started to feel angry with himself for not taking the opportunity before. Who was he kidding? Loki was struggling. Loki needed the arm.

Tony's conflicting thoughts were giving him a major migraine.

"They're releasing me next week," Loki exclaimed, joy exploding in his impossibly green eyes. He was smiling widely. "Isn't that great? I still have to do more rehabilitation at the centre I'll be moved to, of course. But no more nurses or doctors! No more stiff and uncomfortable hospital beds. No more sterile smells and cold floors. I finally get to go home!" He collapsed back onto Tony, snuggling him and rubbing his face over the print of the Metallica t-shirt. "I'm _so _happy, right now. Nothing could ruin this for me. Nothing at all."

Tony bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut.

Then Loki brought a lock of his own hair, and took a sniff of it. He recoiled and twisted in face in disgust. "Okay, maybe the fact that I look and smell like a sewer rat might hinder my good mood just a little bit." Loki pecked a light kiss to Tony's cheek and lifted himself up and out of the bed awkwardly. "Be right back, darling. I have to take a shower before I stink up the place."

He swayed his hips enticingly as he walked to the bathroom. Before he made it through the door, he spun and leant up against the doorway, lifting a leg into a bent position to rest against the wall. Loki smiled seductively. "Unless... you'd like to join me?"

Tony considered his offer, but before he could even make a self-informed decision, he heard his own voice, unmistakeably his, rambling out, "I really think you should get the prosthetic."

The look on Loki's face was completely heartbreaking. His smile dropped off and his eyes darkened significantly. His brow furrowed and he brought his body upright. He stared stonily at the ground. Tony curled in on himself. He prepared for the screaming match that was about to unfold.

"That's what Banner spoke to you about," Loki murmured. Loki's quietness was unnerving. He clenched his solitary fist. "Not stupid California. You _lied _to me," he hissed. He looked up at Tony, his poisonous eyes boring into Tony. Tony swore he could feel his skin melt off of his bones under the glare. "You... lied to me. You've betrayed me. He's told you I don't want the arm and yet, you're still trying to make me get it. You fucking _lied_."

Tony flinched at the unexpected profanity. That's how he knew Loki was _mad_. "I-I'm sorry. He just wanted me to... convince you to get the arm, which I think that you should—"

"_Because I'm not capable of looking after myself, is that it?_" Loki screeched, threading his fingers into his hair and tugging at it roughly. "You don't even know me anymore, Stark! How can you make that kind of judgement?"

Tony got off the bed but didn't make a move to get closer to Loki, knowing that that would just send him into a fit. "You're right! I don't know you! I don't! But you don't let me get close enough to you to get to know who are now."

"Don't," Loki ground out. "Don't say that."

"Well, if you'd just listen to why I want you to get the—"

Loki put his hand over his right ear and started screaming, "_I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't_—"

"Loki," Tony shouted, walking over to him and grabbing his wrist. He wrenched his hand away from his head, causing the taller man to look at Tony with craziness in his eyes. "Stop it! You're freaking me out. Just calm _down_!" He started to even out his breaths. "Look, I'm not saying that I'm going to force you into anything—_no, listen to me, don't look away—_but Bruce thinks it'll be a lot better if you get the arm. Functioning with one arm is not easy— as you have experienced— and you are not weak if you want to get help. You're not. You're strong for asking for help."

Loki's eyes were filling with tears, but Tony still held onto his hand so he couldn't wipe them away. "It's not that..." he whispered. "I'm poor, Tony... I don't have as much money as you. I can't afford it. I really, really, really don't want you paying for it."

"Okay, I won't buy it for you. But if it's a money problem, let me buy you it as a gift for all the Christmases and birthdays I've missed out on," Tony smiled crookedly. "Or I could even make you a bionic arm! You know, it could be sleek and black or even green and have all these functions—"

"Please," Loki forced out, his voice wobbling. "Please. Don't. Just respect my wishes. I don't want the arm. Don't make me get it."

"Loki, you won't have to pay me back—"

"_It's not that!_" He yelled, trying frantically to get Tony to let go of his wrist. "I don't want you to fix everything all the time. I've been living without you for ten years, Stark. I know how to look after myself! _Let go of me, right now!_" Tony unlatched his fingers and Loki withdrew.

"Okay, look here," Tony growled. "I know that money isn't the issue. You live in a fucking town house, for god's sake!"

Loki pushed against the wall behind him and started breathing raggedly and quickly. "It's not even my house," he said. "It's Thor's. It's Thor's house. I moved in with him and Sif about a year ago. Isn't that clear, you fool? How am I supposed to afford a fucking town house when I'm only a bloody high school teacher?"

"Wait," Tony put a finger up. "Just wait. Sif and Thor were together?"

Loki fumed. "They broke up a while ago. I moved in a few months before she moved out. She moved back in with me a couple days after the funeral, as I said she had suggested doing. She wanted to be there so when I came back from the operation, I'd have some help," he spat out rapidly, not looking happy at the choice of Tony's questions at all.

"You live with her," Tony deadpanned. "She's been living at your house? For the past few weeks? To help you after your-?" He gestured at Loki's shoulder.

Loki scowled. "Yes," he snapped. "She lives with me. Do you have a problem with that?"

Tony's face turned a dark shade of red. Anger boiled inside his chest. "So, all this time, _she's_ known as long as you have that you were going through with this operation? But, I, your boyfriend, haven't known anything? Where the hell is she, anyway? I haven't seen her here once! I've been here the whole time."

"_Don't you dare change the subject,_" Loki screamed. "Don't you dare! This is not about that; this is about how you've hurt me! How you've betrayed me!"

"I didn't mean to—" Tony cut off his shout. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Loki. I just... I just think it would be a lot easier for you with the arm than without it. You're struggling, and if you don't get it, the recovery process is going to be even longer. I really want you to get it."

Loki let out a harsh sob and collapsed against the doorframe, his head lolling onto his shoulder. His body shook with emotion. Tony's heart twisted into a knot.

"Lo', please. I just want the best for you," he reasoned. The inventor took a step toward the teacher, but was stopped.

Loki stood up straight and bared his teeth. "Don't try to comfort me after what you've said. I don't even want to look at you right now." He turned away from him toward the bathroom door.

The rain pelted the windows harder, and thunder clapped making Loki flinch and turn around to face Tony with bloodshot, wet eyes.

"I can't believe that you don't support me in this, Tony! I thought... I thought you would been on my side. I've been told so many times that I can't do this—I _need_ someone to say that I can. Because I _can_, Tony. I can do it." Loki squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Even Baldr supports me with this. He thinks I can make it with only one arm, why can't you?"

Tony flared his nostrils and narrowed his eyes. "You spoke to Baldr about this? And not me? What's the matter with you? Don't you trust me?"

Loki looked ready to explode. He actually stamped his foot. "I always talk to him about my problems! And I prefer talking to him than to you because _you can't handle it_! _You left me because you couldn't handle it, Tony!" _He was breathing heavily, his chest heaving. Then he pulled back, sighing. "Baldr was right."

Tony paused, trying to find enough air in his lungs to formulate words. "Huh?" He gasped.

A tear tracked down Loki's cheek. "He told me that you weren't the right choice for a partner," he whispered, sniffing. "At first I didn't agree. But now I might just be beginning to believe it. You don't care about me at all. You only care about yourself and how _my_ wellbeing impacts on _your _life."

Tony felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. He felt his throat close up and his eyes burn with oncoming tears. "That's not—that is beyond insanity, Loki. That's not true at all! I care about you so much. You're my world. I haven't stopped thinking about you since high school. Please, Loki. Forgive me. You have to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you."

The raven-haired man didn't say anything. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, then ruffled it. "I'm going to have a shower," he stated slowly and calmly. "And then I'm going to come out of the shower. And then I'm going to get dressed and come out here. And then we're not going to fight anymore. Alright?" He spun on his heel and slammed his way into the bathroom. The door banged shut, making Tony cringe.

_Oh, god. That had gone worse than expected_.

The door creaked back open a notch, and after much deliberation, Tony peeked in. He saw Loki standing hunched over in front of the mirror, playing with his empty sleeve. He stretched it and hit it back and forth with nimble fingers, being very carefully not to accidentally knock his stump, which Tony knew had become a lot sorer since the morphine had left his system. He looked exhausted and so, so, _so_ sad. Loki ghosted a hand over his left side; shivering with the tenderness it probably brought him. Then he looked straight into his own eyes and Tony finally saw that the self-hatred he had once seen in that reflected gaze still existed.

He started to remember that after Loki had been released from the hospital when they were teens and had only just gotten together romantically, Tony saw Loki stand in front of the mirror at least five times a day as if it were routine and grimace at his reflection. Every time there was a reflective surface, Loki had turned on the spot and looked at every inch of his own body, looking more and more disheartened by what he saw every time. Tony had been so mad at himself for not paying attention to the way Loki would refuse meals and disappear to the bathroom for lengths of time after actually eating something before he had been admitted.

Tony wrenched himself away from his depressing memories. It was futile to dwell on the past for too long. He watched as Loki sobbed quietly and knuckled away tears. He brought his hand back up to the shirtsleeve and scrunched it up in anger, his fist shaking with the exertion.

Loki then stalked out of sight. Tony heard the shower running and took that as his cue to go sit in the armchair and wait for Loki to come back.

The fight wasn't over just yet.

**Please, please, please review and vote on my author profile page! (You have to go on the PC version of the site in order to vote) xx**


	9. Chapter 9

**Warnings for mentions of self-harm, depression and anorexia. Discussion of a suicide attempt.**

**Sorry for the delay! I had writer's block big time.**

**This is the second last chapter with maybe an epilogue after it. Enjoy!**

**Thank you sooooo much to my beta Yara- you are amazing 3**

**And thank you to Rahel for getting me out of my writer's block and for just being a fantastic friend asdfghjkl 3**

Tony was tapping his fingers on the arms of the armchair to an imaginary beat when the bathroom door clicked open. He sat up straighter, the hair on his arms and neck standing stock straight, prickling over his body. The door swung open to reveal a shirtless Loki.

Despite the less-than-happy situation, Tony's heart and something a little more south from there swelled up at the sight. Loki's skin was like porcelain, stretched tight over lightly sculpted abdominal muscles and sharp cheekbones that looked like they could cut glass. Most of his torso was covered by a tight elastic stockinette that extended from his right armpit to up and over the padding on his shoulder and wrapped around his rib cage, ending at his navel. He'd gotten the stockinette a few days earlier to increase the compression on the surgical site to prevent build up of fluid or swelling, which Loki had been experiencing.

The only scrap of clothing he wore were the gym shorts that clung to his still wet legs. It was clear Loki was struggling with drying himself off properly. His hair was slicked back as usual, and was damp, but not soaking, lightly tousled at the back.

At that moment, Tony trailed Loki's movements with his eyes as he awkwardly unwrapped some kind of plastic cover from over his bandaging. He untangled it and balled it into his hand. The soft, heavily padded stocking was completely dry underneath, confirming the plastic's purpose as to keep the water from soaking it until it gets changed again.

Tony's heart was cracking under the strain. Loki was avoiding his gaze. Oh god, Tony would give anything for the green-eyed man just to look at him. He wanted to say something- anything- but his throat had constricted and he found himself tongue-tied. Loki walked over to the bin next to his bed and threw the plastic into it, frowning deeply. Then, still without looking at Tony, he collapsed into the armchair next to the inventor, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin upon them.

For a long time, they stared out the window together, carefully observing the raindrops crawling down the panes like little vipers, twisting and turning and propelling off each other as they made the race down the glass. Tony scratched his head and snuck a peak at Loki. He didn't look much happier than he had been in the bathroom. He had his hand curled around his stump, and was brushing his thumb up and down over the elastic wrapping. He was squirming slightly due to the obvious sensitivity it brought him. Then he brought his hand seductively down his body to his long toes and started playing with them. A crease formed in the middle of his forehead as he seemingly concentrated on his toes.

Tony took a deep breath and let it out. He shook his head. _Nice going, Tony_, he grumbled, internally. _You've basically ruined your chances trying to fix things with Loki. God, you're such an asshole_. He opened his mouth, ready to apologise to the crestfallen young man when the door to the room swung open, making him jump in surprise.

A nurse with dark skin and black hair walked in, carrying a medium-sized leather bag in one hand. He was smiling widely, his teeth gleaming. But not even a smile as sunny as his could make Tony feel better. He knew he had screwed up big.

"Hi, there," the nurse said, softly, looking at both Tony and Loki. "I'm Sam, your nurse for the session."

Tony's eyes flicked over to Loki, who had sat up straighter and taken his feet off the chair. He was smiling at the nurse, but Tony could see the wetness of his eyes and the slight downturn of his lips.

"Hello," he greeted, mostly blocking out the wobbliness of his voice. "Is it time for the changing already?"

Sam nodded and lifted up his bag. "Yup, all in here. It'll only take a few minutes and then I'll let you two be." He walked over and knelt in front of Loki, opening up the bag. "Just take off the stockinette and I'll get started."

Loki did as he was told, although with difficulty. He slipped his right arm out but ended up pinning his elbow to his side and with his hand flopping about. Tony tried to contain a grin.

"Here," he murmured, reaching over to help him free himself.

Loki withdrew as if he had been burnt, staring at Tony with fire in his eyes. "I can do it," he said stiffly.

Tony shrugged and pretended to be indifferent, when really he was kicking himself. He looked up to see the nurse grinning at him. He lifted an eyebrow.

"Something I can help you with...?"

Sam shook his head, his smile going crooked. "Nothing," he replied, innocently. "It's just... I never pinned you as... well, gay."

"I'm not gay," he snapped. Loki straightened up, his eyes going wide. Tony mentally slapped himself. _How could I be so stupid?_ The inventor amended, "Well, I'm bi." But the damage was done. Loki had his eyes shut tight as he worked the elastic off his body.

"Oh," Sam nodded. "Sure, okay. Makes sense, you know, all the tabloids and the women and that assistant chick..."

Tony nodded but didn't say anything more. It wasn't any of his business that Loki was the only man he has ever been attracted to. Besides, he didn't want to make anything worse.

Loki successfully wriggled out of the stocking and placed it on his lap. He was left completely shirtless now, with only his post-operation bandaging left- normal gauze bandages binding the cushioning to the stump from underneath the armpits. Sam reached over and took off the tape, binding the bandage together and started rolling the bandage off, gathering it in his palms. He got Loki to lift his remaining arm as he took off the bandage.

After many, many minutes of Tony intensely waiting, Sam completely took of the bandaging, cautiously lifting off the padding that was held in its place, revealing...

Tony was in a state of shock.

He clenched the arms of the chair tightly, making his knuckles go white with the strength he was holding onto them.

He started getting short of breath and his hands shook as his eyes locked on the completely bare naked stump of Loki's left arm for the first time. Sure, he'd seen it before. But this time it was just _right there_. No bandages, no padding, no t-shirt. The stump of an arm.

The stump had bold dark sutures lining it from the tip of Loki's collarbone to where his armpit would have been from where the skin from the now-removed arm had been stretched and stapled over his shoulder and toward his chest in a semi-circular shape. It was slightly puffy and swollen and looked painful due to the redness. There was no residual limb at all, which was surprising as the amount of padding had lead Tony to believe there he would have had some kind of nub. But no—there was only a smooth curved transition from ribs to rounded shoulder.

Tony's chest felt strained due to the stress of seeing the swelling and stitches for the first time. A_nd the fact that my best friend and boyfriend from high school only has one fucking arm and I only just saw him with two a week ago, oh, fuck, this isn't happening. Oh, god, but it is, holy shit. This is real._

_Loki had lost his arm._

Tony drew his eyebrows together when Loki shifted in his spot, grimacing. His muscles and tendons rippled underneath the stitched up flesh.

"Ah," Loki hissed through clenched teeth. "It's a bit chilly." He tried chuckling but it came out as a strangled cough.

Sam gave him a kind smile. "It won't be for too long, Mr Odinson." He hesitated when he reached to get his bag. "May I...?"

Loki reluctantly nodded and gestured to his shoulder. "Go ahead."

"Okay, I'm just going to clean the stitches and put some cream on the shoulder before I re-bandage it. It'll relieve some of the pain later on and prevent you from contracting an infection. It might a hurt a little bit, but not enough to worry about. But I'll give you some ibuprofen when I've finished." He winked at Loki and Tony narrowed his eyes, his protective personality rearing up again like a lion. Sam brushed his thoroughly clean fingers over the thick stitches lightly. "Those stitches are healing quite nicely. We'll take them out soon enough."

"Great," Loki said, nodding. "They've been itching like mad! It's unbearable."

Sam smiled politely and withdrew a tube of cream from his bag. He squeezed some of the contents out onto the tips of his fingers and touched it lightly to Loki's shoulder. Loki was chewing his bottom lip as his face took on a twisted expression. Sam started to rub in the cream firmly into the stump and the shoulder, his arm pumping as he did so. Loki gasped a sharp breath and clasped hands with Tony's automatically, surprising Tony. Tears collected at the corner of his eyes.

Tony squeezed his hand comfortingly and rubbed it between both of his own. He brought it up to his mouth and kissed it lovingly on each of his knuckles.

When the nurse had finished, he wiped his hands off with tissues, allowing Loki to release his grip on Tony's hand a little.

Sam tugged out some small plastic packets out of the front pocket of the bag and proceeded to tear them open, taking out the betadine swabs inside. He carefully started dabbing at the stitches with the swabs, leaving behind an orangey-brown stain marring the snowy skin. Loki started panting and clenching his hand again. Then he let out a long, trembling moan of agony.

Loki's complexion started going greener as he began to look sicker and sicker from the agony he was obviously going through. "Urgh," he groaned, pursing his pale lips. "Ahh— owww."

The nurse withdrew his hand. "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I—? Is it stinging? Do you want the painkillers now?"

Loki nodded, clenching his hand. "Yes," he said shakily. "That would be quite nice." He chuckled.

Sam pushed some tiny white pills into Loki's hand who dry-swallowed them eagerly. "I'm so sorry for the pain," the nurse apologised. "I didn't realise I was pushing you too much—"

"No, really," he said. "It's fine. Don't worry about it." Tony looked at Loki strangely. _No, it's not fine. He was putting you in pain!_ Loki smiled up at Sam. "Thank you. Is that is for the session?"

Sam still looked a bit guilty—_so he should be_—but nodded. "Yeah, I'll just bandage you up again."

Ten minutes later, Sam had finished applying new bandages and padding to his patient and helped him slip back on the elastic stocking. The nurse was quick to leave after the scathing look that Tony was giving him.

The door closed quietly and Tony looked to Loki, who was still sitting in the armchair next to him. Tony tried not the flinch when he was met with a burning look. Loki was scowling at him, an arm across his near-naked stomach defensively.

"Must you always do that?" Loki snapped. His eyes narrowed into slits.

"Do what?" Tony asked in a shrill voice, feigning innocence.

Loki brought his hand up to the bridge of his nose and massaged it. He sighed in defeat. "You always... oh, never mind." He stood up carefully, hunching over and shuffled to the open suitcase on the bed.

"No," Tony pressed. "Do what?" His conscience was screaming at him to let it go. They had only fought not even an hour earlier.

"Come on, Tony," Loki huffed, spinning around to face him. "Don't even try to pretend. We both know that I'm the liar, here."

Tony winced at the comment. "You're not—okay, maybe I do know what I'm doing. So what? I'm just trying to protect you. You're not taking care of yourself! If those people are putting you in pain, you have to tell them—"

"'_Those people' are trying to help me, Stark_—"

"I should know," Tony shouted over the top of the other. "I've been in a position very close to yours and you know that full well, Loki. You were there." He sucked in a sharp breath and forced himself to look away from his boyfriend. He was going completely off-track and once again, making the conversation all about himself. Tony twisted his hands together in an attempt to keep himself from slapping himself.

He heard Loki exhale slowly. Tony snuck a glance at Loki, who was running a hand through his thick hair. "Yes," he whispered. "I know."

The two men bathed in silence until Tony worked up the courage to speak again, "I'm not going to make as if I know _exactly_ how it is to be in your position... the reality is, I'll never know." Loki nodded in agreement and leant against the bed's frame for support. "But I know what it's like to feel... well, helpless—"

"_Helpless?" _Loki hissed. His teeth were bared, giving him the overall impression of a tall, lopsided snake. "You think me helpless? I don't need your pity, Stark. Do not give me your pity."

"I'm not giving you pity," Tony shouted. "I'm offering my _help_. Why won't you let me help you?" He was almost screaming by that point. "You don't have to put on this whole 'lone gunslinger' act, you're allowed to ask for help you know! You complain about me being selfish. Well how selfish is this? Not telling me about going through major surgery? And leaving it up to the hospital to tell me?"

Loki didn't crumble under the tone, but he looked exhausted. "_Stop yelling_," he gasped. "Stop it, I don't want to fight you, don't you understand, Tony? I'm _sick _and _tired _of all this fighting we've been doing. That's all we do. That's we all we ever do—fight and then make-up. Fight and then make up. Fight and—" Loki stopped himself. His emerald eyes dragged along the ground in front of him. "I don't want this."

"Fine," Tony growled. "Fine, let's just drop it. Now can we kiss and make up?" He got out of the armchair and moved toward Loki, arms outstretched. Loki put his hand up.

"No, you don't get it," he snarled. "I don't want this anymore. Tony," his voice turned soft. "I—I thought that... having you here would have... been easy and quite clearly it hasn't." Loki started pacing along the length of the bed. "As you know, I haven't really had friends before. You were my first and only in high school, excepting Thor, of course. When you left me... when you left me it was hard."

Tony gulped; a hard lump was forming in his throat.

"And... Well, you know about the relapse. That was basically the straw that broke the camel's back. I was in the hospital for a month, Tony—a month of trying to put on weight again to try and begin to look even remotely normal again. It was hell.

"And then—" He scowled at the ground. "And then _just _as I was starting to get a little better, the party happened." Loki clenched his fist. "Do you even remember how much of a mess I was in school, Tony? The depression, the," he paused. "_The cutting_," he whispered so quietly that Tony could barely hear him. "And the many times you had to talk me away from the dark side, which I am sorry for. I'm sorry for having to put you under that kind of pressure. But you wanted to help me—you knew what you were getting into when you asked me to be your boyfriend. I wasn't pretending. You knew what you were getting.

"Look," he sighed. "I know that after the party, you deleted your email address. So you probably don't even know what happened after that, do you?"

Tony shook his head slowly, drawing his eyebrows together.

Loki moved toward the bed and sat down heavily, keeping his balance with him remaining arm. He rested his elbow onto his knee and buried his face in his palm.

"This is a heavy thing to put on you, Tone, I'm sorry," he said with a thick voice. "But, I just... I have to tell you." Loki paused.

"After out big blowout, I got majorly drunk. So drunk that I could barely see. Almost as drunk as you," he laughed, sadly. "I don't remember much of that night. But Thor told me that I climbed up onto the roof and..." Loki's voice became wobbly. "He told me that I climbed up onto the roof and before Thor could stop me, I started screaming nonsense about how I hated myself and how nobody could ever love me." Loki was openly crying now. "Oh, god, Tony... I jumped. I jumped from the roof of my house."

It took a while for Tony to process what he was saying. His mouth was gaping open and then his arms went slack at his sides. "Wh-what?"

"I tried to kill myself because of you," Loki whispered, still not looking at the other man. "Thor attempted to contact you but you were back in California and you'd cut off all your contacts with me." Tony heart twisted when his memories confirmed that. "Obviously, due to my present existence, my attempt was largely unsuccessful. I was in a coma for a week, Thor stayed by my side day and night. I broke both of my legs and cracked my head open." Loki traced his long fingers over his bare thighs. The inventor realised that there were extremely faint scars drawn neatly over his skin, just above the knees. "They had to perform surgery on my legs to piece them back together. I was in a wheelchair for a few weeks and even after I got rid of that thing I had to use a walker to get around for a long time."

Loki sobbed at the thought and wiped his face clear of the flooding tears. "You didn't come. I promised myself through the pain of all the physiotherapy and the mocking of the other kids, that it would all be okay. That you would come back and help me through it. But you didn't. You had really left me. You just left."

Tony knees felt weak, on the verge of giving way. He couldn't take his eyes off of the crying one-armed man on the bed.

"I got better," Loki said, his voice getting stronger. "I started talking to Thor after he confronted me when I'd woken up. He told me to speak to a psychiatrist, which I did. He stayed with me the whole time; held my hand when I started cracking. But he didn't leave me. Never. Not like you.

"He looked after me when I was discharged; fed me, bathed me and just helped me get better. Thor was all I had left when you were gone. And I was all Thor had—family-wise anyway. He taught me how to live life to the fullest, how to be happy. And I have been happy for a long time, now. He taught me to not let my sadness take me over and that I had to learn to push it down and bottle it up tight before it consumed me."

Tony shakily walked over in front of Loki but didn't move to get up and sit next to him. Instead, he kneeled before him.

"Thor's message still influences me today," he said. "No matter how _shit_ life gets," he gently held onto his bandaged stump with his trembling, pale hand and started stroking it, "I will _not_ go into such a dark place again. I deserve to be happy. Thor would have wanted me to be happy. That's why when your assistant Pepper emailed me asking if it was okay for you to visit, I said yes. Even though my brother had just died. Even though I knew I was about to be one arm short. Thor always told me to try and meet with you again. He thought you'd grown up. He thought you would have changed, as I have."

The pair went silent for a few moments. Tony was shocked by it all. The attempt, Thor helping him turn his life around and Pepper contacting him. Pepper hadn't told him any of the sort. She had only informed him of the funeral invitation—but that was all. Tony breathed deeply to keep in control of himself. It was Pepper's idea for all of this. He hadn't known. He thought Loki had wanted him back and that he had invited him to the funeral in the first place.

"Ahh," Loki's hiss of pain brought him back to the present. Tony looked up. Loki was bent over at the waist, his head hanging between his knees. His hair was hanging down over his face, but Tony could still see the agonized expression. Loki sobbed a breath. The inventor stood and put a hand between the pained man's shoulder blades.

"Hey," he whispered in comfort. "You alr—?"

"_No_," Loki barked through clenched teeth. "Ph-phantom pains," he panted. It was then Tony saw him gripping the stump.

"I could get some more painkillers, if you'd like," he offered, sheepishly.

Loki jumped off the bed and popped open the pill bottle on the bedside table, swallowing more painkillers. "You won't always be there for me to fall back on, Stark. I've got to do _some_ things on my own," Loki snarled in reply, shaking the bottle to make his point.

"Who said I wouldn't be there?" Tony was beginning to get angry. "I've promised that I'll be here, Loki. What more do you want? I'm going to be there for you, I promise."

Loki gave Tony a look through the fog of pain—a look of pure hurt. "You're made that promise many times, Stark," he murmured. "I just can't believe you any more."

"Loki—"

"I'd like you to leave."

Tony's eyes widened. "Umm, what?"

"Leave," Loki demanded. "Get out of this room, get out of the hospital, get out of my _life_. Just leave me the fuck alone until you've matured and you're ready to accept responsibility and actually follow through with your promises. I just can't do this anymore. I can't handle the stress and the fighting and all the _emotion_."

Tony felt like the earth was about to swallow him up. His legs were like jelly. "You're not thinking clearly... you're obviously in pain..."

"No, Stark. For the first time since I told Pepper to send you up here, I'm thinking clearly. I want you to go. Please," Loki begged him. He straightened up, shrugging off Tony's hand. "Go. Don't call me until you've grown up. Tony Stark."

Tony clenched his fists. "Fine. Fine, I will. See you around, Loki."

"Yes," Loki said. It didn't sound like he was convinced of that.

Tony stomped around, collecting his things—his keys to the hotel room, his car keys, his shoes, the suitcase he had brought to the hospital a few days after the operation and finally his wallet and jacket. "Bye," he stated, defiantly.

"Goodbye," the British-tinted voice delivered back.

Tony slammed out of the room, stalking past nurses and doctors and grabbed an empty elevator. He heard a familiar voice call after him, "Tony? Where're you—?"

The elevator doors closed before Bruce could finish his sentence.

Tony shut his eyes and leant his forehead against the cold metal of the wall, banging it softly. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," he muttered.

One again, Tony had seen the rebellious, angry, sad Loki that he remembered. But this time, he realised that he was in love with the new Loki. The Loki who smiled and laughed. The Loki who complained about his students and their stupidity without being overly condescending. The new Loki. _His Loki._

But that Loki wanted him gone. So he would comply, he'd let him have some space and maybe they'd meet up later that week.

Tony didn't know then that that would not be possible.

**CLIFFHANGER! I hope you enjoyed it :) please leave me a review and I will give you a cookie!**

**Also, please check out my profile page and vote on what I should write next. :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Header credit to: ohfuckitsloki (Laufeyson here on AO3)**

**Warnings for implied self harm.**

**Author's note: I'm sorry for the wait, you guys! But here it is, the final chapter of Here With Me. I appreciate every single one of you readers- especially those whom reviewed.**

**Thanks for making this my most successful fic to date.**

**Thank you so much to my beta Yara, you are unbelievable and I couldn't have done this without you! 33**

**Now, sit back, relax and enjoy the angst! Make sure to leave me parting thoughts (even though there will be sequels) :)**

"Tony," Pepper groaned to him for the twentieth time that week, "I told you that I'm sorry. I didn't think."

"Of course you didn't," Tony snapped. "You didn't think about what might happen. Did you even consider what you were asking Loki to do?"

"No!" She shouted through the phone. "Okay? No! I didn't consider that. You have never spoken to anyone—not even Rhodey and I—about the relationship. How the hell was I supposed to know—?"

"That my breaking up with him drove him to a suicide attempt?" Tony cut her off. "I didn't know that either, Pep. I was busy being a selfish, pigheaded prick."

Tony took Pepper's silence as agreement.

"Does he…" she whispered. He could imagine her massaging her temples. "Is he still suicidal? Could you leaving him alone spur him into another attempt?"

He sighed loudly. "I dunno… maybe. I don't think so. He was talking about therapy, being a changed man or something."

"Okay," she said. "Then we don't need to worry about that at the moment. Have we brainstormed ideas on how to get you guys back together?"

Tony set his jaw and ground out, "Yes, Pep. We have. Numerous times. Remember—we decided that I'm turning up at his hospital room and going to have a civilised discussion with him. Oh, but without letting my, and quote, 'anger and plain stupidity' take over my words."

"Look, if you're going to be spiteful about it…"

"But I. Don't know. What else. To do, Pepper!" he hollered. "It's your fault that I've been called away to so many meetings that I haven't been able to see him! I promised myself that I would see him earlier. But of course, it's impossible with the fucking company breathing down my neck."

"Do not yell at me, Tony Stark," she warned. "I am trying my best to mend this horribly broken relationship and you are not helping by screaming at me every two seconds!" That shut Tony up. "Will you let me finish?" He begrudgingly obliged. "Okay. Now, to me it sounds like you're having some doubts on getting back together with him. You're putting it off. Whether it's because of the discovery of the attempt that's scaring you off, I don't know. But what I do when I'm conflicted about making a decision, is that I make a list. Two columns- one side negative and the other positive."

The engineer shut his eyes and contemplated the suggestion. "… yeah. That's a good idea. Thanks, Pep."

He could hear her smile down the phone. "No worries. That's what I'm here for."

"Okay," he sighed. "I'd better go. See ya." He was about the hang up when he heard her shouting for him to stay on the line. "What's up?"

Pepper hesitated. "So… so he's lost an arm?"

Tony pressed his lips into a thin line and rubbed his face. He brushed his fingers over the outline of his goatee. "Yeah. Got it removed three weeks ago." He let out a shaky breath. "Geez, this is huge." Pepper hummed. "He refused a prosthetic, you know. He's determined to do it without any kind of help."

"Wow," Pepper gasped. "Wow. Really? That's… incredibly brave. He has my support."

"You don't think it's stupid? I mean, if I were him, I'd want to get as much normalcy back in my life as possible."

"But that's the thing, Tony," Pepper said. "You're not him. Getting a fake arm won't change how he lives. You said that he got it detached from the shoulder? There's no relatively cheap and practical prosthetics for shoulder amputees just yet, you know."

"Yeah, only cosmetic, sure." Tony sighed loudly. "But come on. I could easily design a bionic arm for him. Easy peasy. If he'd just let me—"

"You're not understanding what I'm saying, Stark," she groaned. "Loki doesn't want the arm. Accept that. Move on. Write that list. See what happens. Look, I have a company to run. Bye."

She clicked off.

Tony stared at the phone for a few moments before chucking it across the room to land on the couch opposite to him.

A few moments later, Tony sat at his hotel room's desk, tapping his fingers on the wood. He stared at the blank piece of paper in front of him with the hotel's logo embellished in one corner. A relatively straight line was drawn down the middle. The left side of the line reading: 'WHY I LOVE LOKI' and on the right reading: 'WHY WE SHOULD NOT BE TOGETHER'.

The clocks ticking filled Tony's mind, making it difficult to concentrate. Abruptly, he snatched up his pen and scrawled on the right side, "I made Loki throw himself off a roof."

He glared at this before scratching it off and replacing it with, "We're both ridiculously unstable." Tony had a mental block. He couldn't think of anything else to write in that column.

He shifted the pen to the left and wrote, "He makes me smile." The inventor let a grin play on his thoroughly bitten lips as he remembered Loki's distinctive laugh and the way he flicked his long black hair over his shoulder.

"He's beautiful." His cheekbones, those eyes, those legs.

"He's intelligent." His rants about literature and science.

"The way he holds me as if I'm the only thing he has." His arm wrapping around his waist, drawing Tony close against his body.

"When he concentrates an adorable little crease forms between his eyebrows." Especially when he's watching television or thinking hard.

"His passion."

"His humour."

"A good friend."

"Loyal."

"Mischievous."

"Artistic."

"Good with words."

"Amazing kisser."

Tony wrote on and on and on well into the afternoon, coming to a stop when he had filled two pages worth of his "love" column and his hand was cramping up.

His eyes scanned back over his list and then that's when it hit him.

He really, truly loved Loki.

It didn't matter what came in their path—he'd always love Loki no matter what. It had been ten years, but he had never forgotten him. Not once.

He loved him.

Nothing could change that.

And then for the first time in ten years, Tony blinked and suddenly saw the world differently.

If you had asked him what had happened to change his point of view so suddenly, he wouldn't be able to tell you. It was as if a switch had flipped in his mind—everything was in high definition. His choices were clear, his emotions straightforward.

Tony looked at his list with wide eyes. "Oh, fuck, what have I done," he muttered. "I'm such a dickhead."

A small voice that sounded startling like Pepper's whispered, "Yes, you are," in the back of his mind.

A weight had lifted off his chest. He suddenly knew exactly what to do.

Tony grabbed his keys and wallet and walked out the door, wondering where the nearest florist was.

Tony climbed out of the cab and looked up at the intimidating view of the town house. It cast a definite, dark shadow over him. He knew that Loki had been released a few days ago, Bruce had called him to confirm it. Loki was sitting in that house right now, unsuspecting of Tony being outside. He took a deep breath.

This was it.

He forced himself to walk up the path and made his negative thoughts dissipate.

When Tony brought his fist up to the large, wooden door to knock, he realised that he was trembling. He flexed his fingers and tried to relax. The newly bought bouquet of red roses was shuffled from hand to hand. Nervousness wouldn't do him any good.

Tony rolled his shoulders back and adjusted his outfit as well his arranging the flowers to be more even.

The front door of the town house opened, revealing Sif standing there in jeans and a leather jacket, her handbag in hand. She leapt back from him, gasping, at the same time Tony did.

"Tony!" She said in a loud whisper. "You scared me!"

"Yeah, well, you scared me!" He cried, gesturing at her.

"For God's sake, shut it!" She commanded quietly. "I just got Loki to sleep."

Tony's brow furrowed. "What, he's a three-year-old needing his mommy to put him down for a nap? Come on, I just need to talk to him."

Sif glared at him, her mouth pressed into a tight, thin line. "Don't be so immature. He was discharged only yesterday- he needs his rest!" She shifted her stance in the doorway. "And as for talking to him—you can forget it. After your fight, he called me up in tears, Tony."

"He's the one who told me to leave!" Tony growled. "I couldn't stay after that."

"I know," she said in a much louder voice before hesitating. She looked behind her and signalled Tony to be quiet. Sif stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind her quietly. "And it was good of you to follow through with his request. But what the hell were you thinking? Trying to convince him to get an arm he doesn't want? What is wrong with you?"

"Hey," Tony snapped. "I'm just trying to do what's best for him. Give me a fucking break! Look at it from my point of view just for a second. I'm the one who looked after him after the surgery. I'm the one who had to watch his suffer through the phantom pains. I'm the one who comforted him during to nightmares—listened to him begging for his brother to make everything better." Sif stiffened and his pallor paled significantly. "I had to watch him try and fail to feed and dress himself. You weren't even there during the hospital stay. You don't know the half of it," he sneered. "Now do you realise why I want him to get the arm? Or wanted… I don't know. I've learnt to respect other people's wishes."

Sif shut her eyes tightly and bit her lip, taking a deep breath. "Stark, I don't like you," she said, bluntly.

"Gee, really?"

She ignored his sarcasm but shot him a withering look. "I don't think that you're good for Loki. I've seen everything you've been through. I was there the whole time. The whole fucking time. So if you think that you can just waltz up and talk to him as if it was nothing; think again. You'll have to go through me," she snarled. "And don't you dare think for one fucking second that you've been through more than I have. I've been looking after him for a week now. I know about the nightmares, the pains and the begging. And I was there when you dumped him in front of the whole high school at his coming of age birthday party. I took care of him then, as well.

"I was the one who called the ambulance while Thor, my late boyfriend, cradled his little brother's twisted and bleeding figure on the ground," she shouted, tears streaming from her eyes. She stepped closer to Tony. "I saw him come seconds away from dying. And don't you dare—don't you fucking dare—believe for one second that I wasn't there post-operation because I was on some kind of holiday. Did you even bother to ask where I was?"

Tony was silent, his heart plummeting.

"I am Loki's lawyer. I was at the courts fighting for those drivers to be punished for taking Thor's life and Loki's arm."

Tony staggered backwards but regained his composure. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut. "I didn't know that," he admitted. "I'm sorry—"

"For what? Being a selfish, lazy asshole?" She spat.

Tony had had enough. "Okay, look here," he said. "I am not a lazy, selfish asshole. I may not have been there for Loki as much as you have but I sure as hell am here now. I've learned the errors of my ways. I get it—I was a downright bastard. But I'm working on it. And I want Loki to know that. And I also want to understand what's been happening—the accident, the "secret" operation. I need to know how I can help. I have to talk to him. Please—please, Sif. I am begging you." Tony got down onto his knees, laying the roses next to him. "Can you at least suggest a meeting with me to him?"

Sif scrutinised Tony, looking him up and down with a sour look on her face. Tony's heart was about to leap through his throat. He could feel the sweat seeping through his pores. Finally—blissfully—she relaxed her stance and sighed. She rolled her eyes and flicked her glossy brown ponytail over her shoulder.

"Okay, okay! I give in," she groaned. "It seems like… you're willing to give this a proper try. Okay, I'll talk to him. But no promises," Sif added, watching Tony's victory dance with disdain. She picked up the roses and held them to her chest. "I'm guessing these are for Loki." She hummed as she peered at them, apparently assessing their quality. "I'll go back and put them in his room. But I want you out of here before I get back. I don't need you loitering."

Tony grinned and, to his surprise, bounded forward to hug her around the waist. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou—" he repeated endlessly.

Sif awkwardly patted him on the head before attempting to pry him off. "Get off me!" She cried out. "Idiot!"

Tony jumped away from her, but kept smiling.

"This doesn't change anything. I still don't like you," she ground out.

"Oh, come on," he chortled. "You must like me a little."

He saw a smile play on her lips before it vanished. "Perhaps," Sif said. "A little. Now get out of here." She slipped back into the house.

Tony had a distinct spring in his step as he walked back to the curb.

That had gone better than expected.

Tony sat curled up and asleep in an armchair in front of the television that was playing a show softly. His hand was loosely holding his phone to his beating chest. He snored peacefully and loudly.

It was at 9pm that night when his cell phone buzzed urgently.

He snorted out of a dreamless sleep and looked around the room, bleary-eyed and feeling drowsy. He jerked in his chair as soon as he realised that his phone was going off, but before he could jam down the button to pick it up, it went to voice mail. Tony knew that he should listen to the message, but found himself tucking the phone back into his pocket and falling back asleep.

When he woke again, it was 10:30. He blinked and groaned, lifting himself out of the chair and stretching out his torso and arms. God, I'm so bloody tired, he thought to himself. He continued to stretch himself out when he heard the distinctive sound of a phone falling to the ground. Tony looked down and saw his phone blinking up brightly at him as a message came through. He crouched and swiped it up, unlocking it with a 'click'.

He had five messages from an unknown number—four of them notifications for missed calls. He found his armchair again, which was soaked in the smell of his sweat, and starting reading the lone text message.

Tony, it read.

It's Sif. I spoke to Loki. He'll meet with you. He said that he'll be at the "safe place" at 12pm tomorrow. He said you'll know what it means.

I must warn you, though. If he comes back here, crying, sobbing, screaming or anything of the sort, I will cut off your balls and sell them as Christmas ornaments.

You'd better not stand him up.

- Sif.

The inventor stared down at the phone, his tired mind whirring and trying desperately to decode the message. Finally, the clogs clicked into place. His fingers scrambled into action and texted back.

Ok. I will be there. I know where he's talking about. No need for threats, Siffy.

PS: Tell him

He hesitated.

PS: Tell him that I miss him and I hope that he's feeling better. -Tony

Tony pressed send and bit his lip. A few moments later he got a reply.

I'm not going to tell him that. You can tell him yourself tomorrow. Nightmares are persistent. But he's getting a bit better. Have a pleasant night.

- Sif.

Tony sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He suddenly felt exhausted all over again. Without any thought as to what tomorrow could entail, he climbed back into the armchair and fell asleep.

The inventor was seated at one of the tables inside a small but open public library. Not many people knew about the place and the significance it held. Except for Tony and Loki.

The library was the meeting place for the boys in their teenage years where in the case of an emotional breakdown from either of them. Tony couldn't even count the number of times he came to the library to find Loki twisted into a tight, protective ball in the corner of the unused, cobwebbed fiction section, his shoulders shaking with sobs and his shirt sleeves dark with blood. Tony would crouch down beside him and pry off one of Loki's hands— that would be gripping his own worryingly prominent ribcage like it was a lifeline— massaging it with his thumbs until Loki stopped crying and would finally look at him.

"You don't deserve this," Tony would whisper. "You don't. Life is unfair, Loki. But it's worth it. It'll be alright in the end." He would trail soft kisses across the new bandages on Loki's wrists.

There weren't always sad moments at the library. He ran through the thoughts of the two teens being caught making out behind the geography section or when they had avoided their families every night for an entire week by hiding there. Or when they were children and had tucked themselves away in the armchairs, reading picture books together. It was their safe place. Their place.

Tony shook himself out of his memories and caught himself smiling. He touched his fingers to his lips and allowed his smile to grow wider into a grin.

He checked his phone for the time and realised that Loki was half an hour late. It was then Tony started to get worried.

Loki was never late. Unless for a good reason. Had he stood Tony up? Had he decided that Tony wasn't worth it after all? That he wouldn't ever be able to prove his maturity?

Tony felt his chest constrict and he fought for breath. A panic attack was looming—a dark cloud threatening to ruin Tony's good mood. He put a hand to his chest and circled his index finger around the rim of the Arc Reactor. The tingly feeling of static oddly helped him calm down somewhat.

He took a long, deep breath and relaxed back into the chair. It'll be okay, he told himself. Loki will be here. Any second now. Any minute. He'll be—

There was a quiet and familiar clearing of the throat. It was Loki. He was sure of it. The thought of his presence sent tingles up Tony's spine.

Tony found himself looking downwards beside him. He was unable to look at Loki's face. I'll just work myself up to his eyes, Tony thought. First he locked on the polished Velcro-strapped shoes that were pointed in the inventor's direction. Then, he trailed his gaze up Loki's long, long, corduroy-clad legs and then across the blue button up shirt and corduroy suit jacket. He noted that the left sleeve had been cropped and sewn closed at the shoulder as to suit Loki's stump, rather than just having an empty—and most likely bothersome—sleeve. The jacket and shirt hung loose on his frame and the engineer realised that he looked a little thinner than he had last seen him. Finally, Tony reached Loki's face. He tried to look anywhere but the eyes—anywhere. The bridge of Loki's nose, his ears, his temple, even his lips that were slightly turned down. But he eventually gave in to looking at Loki eye-to-eye.

Loki's deep green eyes were sad but hopeful, with large, dark bags hanging underneath them. They were framed with rectangular, black glasses.

Loki tried for a small smile. "Hey," he huffed out.

"Hey back," Tony replied, grinning. He scrambled to his feet. "Take a seat?"

The black-haired man nodded politely and withdrew the chair opposite to Tony. He sat down, but he seemed wobbly and unbalanced as he did—his body leaning to his left where the weight of his arm was no more. Tony joined him at the table.

"So… how've you been?" Tony asked, awkwardly. He tapped his fingers against the surface of the table and recrossed his legs.

Loki sighed and shrugged gingerly. "I've been better. Stitches came out yesterday afternoon," he added without much enthusiasm.

Tony smiled in reply. "That's good. Good." Loki shifted in his seat uncomfortably and brought a hand to his shoulder, running a long, thin finger along the impeccable and almost undetectable stitching. "Nice suit alteration by the way. Did you get a tailor for that?"

Loki perked up at this comment and examined his cropped sleeve more thoroughly. "No, actually. Sif stayed up for three days straight, cutting and sewing all of my jackets, shirts, pyjamas, anything she could get her hands on, really. She felt so guilty for having to leave during the surgery, poor thing," he chuckled. "But it was wonderful of her to do so. Given the circumstances as to why she left…" Loki trailed off then brought his gaze back to his lap, the green eyes dimming somewhat behind the glasses.

"Glasses, eh?" Tony said, trying desperately to keep up the conversation. "What happened to not needing them any more?"

Loki smirked. "I lied," he said, coolly. "I usually wear contacts but… it's not…" he searched for words. "I guess putting in eye contacts is just another thing I took for granted. Along with eating alone, getting dressed and driving. I just don't have the patience or even the balance to put them in without poking my eyes out, now. I had the nurses help me put them on for me at the hospital, as desperate and incapable as I am." His voice was getting more and more frustrated and uneven as he spoke.

The inventor hummed but decided not to press the matter any further, lest he fuel Loki's bitterness.

Tony was about to say something when he noticed the old librarian—the same one from their childhood, Mrs Freya—standing awkwardly in the entrance to their section. She clearly recognised the two from the way her eyebrows were almost at her hairline and the way her eyes were looking like saucepans. The inventor dipped his head to her in a silent greeting and she gave him a crooked smile in return. She held a withered finger to her lips before shutting the doors, closing off their section to the general public.

Tony was grateful to her. She had always understood exactly what they needed when nobody else did.

The two men drowned in the silence of the library, with only the ticking of the cat-shaped clock on the wall to interrupt. Tony furrowed his brow. He looked up from inspecting his nails to Loki, nonchalantly. Loki was now frowning deeply into his knees—his brow brought down low over his glare.

Now or never, Tony decided. "Look, Loki, I've been doing some thinking and—"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the operation," Loki murmured, bringing his stare up to match Tony's.

Tony was taken aback. "Sorry?"

Loki sighed and adjusted the glasses on the bridge of his nose. "I'm truly, truly sorry that I didn't tell you, Tony. I was—I was…" he stuttered for a while before giving up, looking back to his knees.

The inventor was stunned at Loki's apologetic gesture. He pursed his lips and thought for a second. Then he looked back at Loki.

"Loki…" he began, quietly. "Remember the ninth grade?" Loki visibly tensed up, his hand clenched into a fist upon the table. "I'm asking you. Do you remember?"

"Yes," Loki snapped his head up. "I do."

"Do you remember what happened that year?" Tony took a deep breath. "With me?" He placed a hand in the middle of his chest.

Loki bit his bottom lip and remained silent. He nodded to affirm Tony.

"Do you remember how the hospital had to call you up and tell you that I had been in a lab accident? That I'd been in an explosion and had shards of metal lodged in my chest?" Tony eyed the raven-haired man, whom was now shivering and sweating. "Loki," he said more softly. "I didn't tell you about the arc reactor. I didn't tell you that the surgeons had stuck a glowing orb in my chest to stop my heart from failing. I didn't tell you for a week after I was discharged. I covered it up. I shied away from you and I did not tell you until you confronted me and asked me what was wrong." Tony squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "Do you remember how you felt?"

Loki murmured something and Tony asked for him to repeat it. "Betrayed," Loki whispered, his eyes filling with tears that started to drip onto his pants and the table's surface. "Hurt. Untrustworthy," he whispered.

The inventor pursed his lips and nodded. He reached across the table and tentatively placed his hand over Loki's clenched fist. Loki's hand slackened and he took hold of Tony's, brushing his thumb across the knuckles.

"Honey," Tony whispered, looking at him from under his eyelashes. "That's how you made me feel when you didn't tell me about the—the amputation." Loki let out a dry sob at Tony's comment. "And the reason then I didn't tell you about the reactor because I was worried what you would think of me with a machine in my chest. I was worried you'd leave me for someone more… well— normal. I was ashamed of the way I looked, the mutilation, the unnaturalness of it all." Tony paused, thinking through his next sentence. "Do you think that's what happened with you, Loki?"

Loki let out a shaky breath and nodded vigorously, his hair flying into his face. His shoulders were shaking with the sobs he was reigning in. He started crying heavily, tears pouring down his sharp cheeks. He flung his head downward as to conceal his agonised expression.

Tony's chair scraped back as he rushed around to Loki's side. He reluctantly let go of his hand to place both of his on Loki's narrow waist. "Loki, baby, I'm here. I'm here. It's okay. Do you need to go outside? What do you need—?"

He didn't have time to say anything more before Loki let out another heart-wrenching sob, threw his arm around Tony's neck and dragged him close, pressing their chests together. Loki's hot tears fell onto Tony's shirt. "I'm so sorry, Tony. I'm so sorry for not telling you. I was so scared- so scared…" He sobbed.

Tony ran a hand through the raven locks and pressed a loving kiss to Loki's scrunched up forehead. He rubbed Loki's back and rocked him from side to side, holding him closer to him. He hugged and shushed his love, trying to make the tears stop.

He kissed Loki again, this time on his temple, and whispered, "I can never make up for what I did. I… I betrayed you. Twice. Probably more than that. I don't deserve to have you trust me again. But I am so, so, so sorry, Loki. Please believe me. I was afraid that I'd get hurt. I was scared that if I let myself get too emotionally attached I'd do something I'd regret and I'd… be hurt again. Because I was hurt when we broke up. I was so drunk and angry at the way my life was, and I took it out on you. And I regret it. Please, I'm so sorry. I promise that I will spend the rest of our lives trying to make it up to you.

"I was a total asshole to you. And you don't deserve me; you deserve someone much better. I believed that after ten years, we could just pick up where we left off. And, geez, I was an idiot for thinking that would happen. Look, we said we'd give it another try, but if this is—if you'd like to…"

He was surprised to feel Loki pull away from their embrace. Loki was shaking his head. "Please, Tony. I can't… I can't do this without you. I thought I could, when I told you to leave the other day. But… it's just… so hard. Don't leave me again. Please." Loki pleaded him with wide, wet eyes, his bottom lip trembling. "Don't leave me…"

This time it was Tony's turn to sob. "Lolo, sweetheart. If you want me here, I'll be here. If you want me gone, I'll be gone. I'll do anything you want, I'll do anything you need. Just as long as I'm allowed to keep on loving you and you give me your love in return. As long as you love me, I will be here." They embraced once more, both their bodies shuddering and their hearts breaking and mending all over again.

The two men sat in an overly large armchair of the library together, Loki sitting on Tony's lap, his long legs tucked up beside him. He was clasping Tony's hand and admiring it. Tony had an arm wrapped around his love's waist, kissing the back of his neck affectionately.

"Tell me," Tony whispered to Loki. "Tell me what's been happening. Tell me everything."

The one-armed man looked back to Tony and sighed, adjusting himself in the chair to be more comfortable.

"The day after Thor's funeral…" Loki begun, quietly. "I woke up with a fever. My temperature was really high and I could barely move for the pain in my shoulder. Anyway… I got myself down to the hospital when it had toned down a little and saw Bruce.

"What I didn't mention before was that a couple of days after the accident—when I was still in the hospital—we'd quickly realised that my arm was beyond saving and that the only option for me to recover was an amputation. Originally it was only from my elbow down that had to go. But then Bruce diagnosed me with an infection in my shoulder stitches. He told me that since the infection was starting to form and that there was very high pain in my upper arm, they needed to perform the surgery as soon as possible and higher up. A shoulder disarticulation. If they hadn't operated when they did," Loki took a breath and bit his lip. "I wouldn't be here, right now.

"I… I didn't tell you about the operation because I was worried about you not accepting me and rejecting me because we'd only just gotten back together and… and that getting my arm removed might have been too much for you to handle. Which I know now," Loki added. "It isn't.

"But just like last time— at school, I mean— I was going through something very life-changing and I didn't think you would stay for me. No matter how many times you'd promised it. What I didn't take into account was that you were written down as a back-up contact just before the operation went underway," Loki chuckled, clutching Tony's hand tighter. "I thought they wouldn't have called you because Sif was the first option. She's the one my doctors had met with and she's the one that had volunteered to help out. But, you know she's my attorney, she was called away to the courts… something about the compensation meeting being moved to a closer date. She couldn't get out of it.

"My original plan was to get better as quick as humanly possible to show you that even though I lost an arm, I hadn't changed." Loki swallowed down tears. "I was scared you'd leave me again. And that I… I wouldn't survive it this time. I needed to prove it to you… to myself… that I'm strong. Obviously, I see now that full recovery in a few days would have been impossible. It's been a month and I'm still recovering and still taking painkillers. You weren't meant to see me at the hospital. You weren't meant to see the physiotherapy or the nightmares or the pain…"

Loki fell into silence, trembling. Tony looked down to him, only to see him crying again with his eyes sealed shut. He tightened his arm around him, and kissed his neck tenderly, nuzzling into the crook between his collarbone and nape.

"I love you," he breathed into his skin, causing Loki goosebumps. "I love you more than the world. I couldn't care less if you were ten foot tall, with horns and blue skin. I love you for you. I realise that now. It doesn't matter how many issues you have. We're both sincerely fucked up." Loki snorted and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "You stayed with me after the arc reactor, babe. That was huge. Whereas I left you in one of the toughest times of your whole life and I will never forgive myself for it. But I'm here now."

Loki hummed and nestled close to Tony, burying himself in the embrace of his newfound-boyfriend. "I love you." He smiled widely.

"And that thing with Baldr—" Tony couldn't help himself, he grimaced. "Baldr did ask me out. He did try to flirt with me, touch me, whatever. But I would never betray you for an asshole like him. I just…" Loki looked to the dusty ceiling. "I needed someone to talk to. Someone that wasn't you. I needed to know that I wasn't putting too much pressure on you. Which, obviously, I was. Sif had a talk with me last night about my expectations." Loki winced. "I—I'm sorry. I didn't want to burden you and when I did… I lashed out. That was completely unfair and childish."

Tony said nothing, just hid his face in Loki's back, snuggling into him.

"And I also want to apologise for… well, me," Loki said, sheepishly. Tony looked up in surprise.

"Why? There's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect."

"Far from it," Loki corrected. "I know that I may seem happy or content at the moment. And I know that's a big contrast to what I was like in school. Well… Thor taught me after the attempt to reign in my feelings. To guard myself from the world, but the world was cruel. I bottled up my feelings tight and locked them away in the corner of my heart. But it's only now I've concluded that it's hurting me more then doing me good.

"For years I've tricked myself into thinking I'm happy. And then you came along again and I realised that I'm desperately… not happy." He sighed and shook his head. "I am so scared of living my life without Thor. When you were gone, he became my everything. My best friend, my brother, my confidant." He smiled sadly and twiddled Tony's thumb. "And now he's gone," his voice began to go wobbly again. "And now I'm faced with my whole life ahead of me with no brother. No Thor. And on top of that, I have to cope with one arm." Loki twisted in his seat to face Tony. The engineer could see the pure sadness and terror etched on Loki's face. "I'm scared," he whispered. "What do I do, Tone?"

Tony huffed out a breath and pondered the question for a few moments. "Okay… if I tell you what I think, will you be mad?" Loki shook his head and continued to look at Tony, wide-eyed and desperate for advice. "First, I want you to speak to a psychiatrist. They can help with the PTSD and… the depression, I guess. When I had panic attacks about the lab accident, speaking to someone helped. You can't just rely on Sif or I to talk to, Lokes," Tony pointed out. "You need professional help.

"Second…" he sighed. "Loki, you need to let it out." Loki tensed up and looked even more terrified. "You can't keep living like this. Please, for both our sakes. Let out your feelings. You need to accept what's happened in order to move on. And then," he said, smiling sadly but brightly. "Then you can be happy for real."

Tony waited in anticipation for Loki to give his verdict.

"I will…" Loki begun, his eyes darting back and forth in front of him. "I'll speak to a psychiatrist. But Tony…"

"Yeah?"

Loki looked away then looked back to his boyfriend. "I think I'm cracking," Loki whispered, fresh tears rolling down his face. "I'm cracking and I'm scared of what I might do. Of what might happen. I don't want to snap."

"You won't," Tony promised him. "You won't snap. Just as long as you're here with me."

Loki let out a loud sob and allowed Tony to hug him as tight as he could, rocking him back and forth in the warm, comforting armchair that they had always shared as children in that same library.

**THE END**

**Please remember to leave your thoughts and feelings :)**

**Follow me as an author for future updates of this fic! There will be a series of oneshots in this verse of varying times (ie. one might be twenty years after then the following one five years before) and one of them will be posted either today or tomorrow!**


	11. Author's Note

The next part of "The Complicated But Worthwhile Relationship of Tony and Loki" is up! It's called "Everything Will Be Alright" and is set twenty years after "Here With Me".

Remember to follow me as an author for future instalments!


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